Dear Evan Hansen: Erica's story

Chapter 12

The next couple of days will be long is the understatement of the year, those days turned into weeks but I have to admit, the support on The Connor Project had been absolutely insane. People I didn't even know were giving me all this support and advice it was pretty amazing, Danielle may only be a month old but when she is old enough, I will show her how well she is loved and how much support we both had. Having said all of that though, in between coming home from the hospital to now, I am not sure what the hardest part of this particular moment in this time frame is. Raising Danielle pretty much alone, juggling motherhood and school or seeing Evan and Zoe all over each other.

After a couple of months, it almost seemed like everything was dying down again, Evan, Alana, and Jared were keeping up with Connors page, Zoe and Evan were always together like every day and never here, it was always at the Murphys. I spent most of my days taking care of Danielle, Studying to keep my grades up and making Danielle a comforter. In all fairness, my mom is helping with the comforter but I just wish she was here more. I was always alone, I had no friends anymore, Zoe was the only one I was really close with but she's never free.

For the first time since the pregnancy, I picked up my laptop and opened a word document and did an Evan technique, write a letter to yourself. I began, Dear Erica Hansen, after that in an instant, the words kept flowing as did the tears and I couldn't stop.

Dear Erica Hansen,

Today is going to be an amazing day and here's why because today, Danielle and I are healthy and that's all that matters right.

Who I am I kidding, I love Danielle but I just wish Connor was here to see her grow up, to help me and to be here for his family. I wish that my mom would take a step back from work and help me, I wish that my dad cared to pick up the phone once in a while and realize that he has two other kids here in Baltimore. I wish that I had friends and people actually cared. I wish my brother was home to keep me company.

I don't have any of that right now, Danielle and I are pretty much alone. Everyone is to wrapped up to notice my cry for help. I just need someone to help me parent but I'm still a teen and no-one seems to notice. I know that things will get better but the worse doesn't show any signs of shifting yet.

I still will forever and always remain hopeful, for Danielle's sake as well as my own. You've got this Erica!

Your best and most dearest friend

Erica, well me. I'm the same person. Erica Hansen.

I hit print and collected it from the family printer, it then occurred to me, I wrote a letter addressed to Connor in my bag, I picked it up and read it again, smiling to myself, he would read these and think I was really stupid. I miss him and this baby girl we have looks more like him every day.

I almost jumped out of my skin when my phone buzzed and funny it was a text from Cynthia. "Hi Erica, I hope all is well with yourself and Danielle but would be ok if you brought Danielle over to visit?

Immediately, a huge smile spread across my face it's almost like Connor is giving me some help now from above. I sent a quick text back "On our way! :)" I wasted no time at all getting myself and Danielle ready, however, it seemed like one surprise after the other because as I put Danielle in her stroller, Evan and Zoe walked through the door and almost looked shocked to see me at home. "Hi Erica, I didn't think you would be home." I looked at Evan in disbelief "Where else would I be Evan? I do exist, I wish you would be here so I had someone to talk to but you're always with her." This time it was Zoe who looked at me in disbelief, "Ok, hold on, one second, I have a name and I thought we were friends, all you have to do is ask for help and I may have helped." I almost cried with anger at that. I took a breath and closed my eyes. "Sorry, Danielle and I are heading out and you both are welcome to join us." Zoe shook her head. I could tell that they both wanted me to leave. "See you both at school next week then, oh and guys use protection and good luck." I had to add the good luck on because I know what they are up too. Anyway, onward to the Murphys. Totally not awkward at all right? I don't know what will be more awkward, ZoEvan madly in love, going to the Murphys now or school next week. Which come to think of it, I completely forgot that I go back next week. The next two weeks are going to be crazy. Connor would probably find my mini freak out hilarious and telling the truth I was starting to see the funny side of all this. Let the madness begin!