Time waits for Nobody

One

She stood all alone in the middle of a room where everyone had someone all except her. The agony of loneliness was all too familiar to her; loneliness was now a friend, a dark cloak that completely engulfed her. She was numb to the pain, the sharp throbbing pain that was part of her life for the last three years. Even in a room full of people, even surrounded by her family and friends she still felt completely alone. Was this the life that was meant for her, was this God's plan for her life. Sometimes she felt like a bystander slowly watching her life flowing by like a fast moving river. She was helpless to stop it, all she could do was stand by and watch as her youth her vitality slipped away from her. She felt ancient, old and gray. Time waits for nobody she had painfully discovered it would not wait for her to collect the pieces of her life and move on, it would not pause while she composed herself and then continue when she was ready. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months flew by and they never took the courtesy of asking her how she felt, they never offered to slow down so that she could catch up.

Looking back at her life she knew she had met some good men and had had some good relationships but the enemy to every relationship she had ever had was herself. She was unstable and unpredictable; she had scars that ran right to the depths of her soul, scars that made her damaged goods to all and every man who had ever loved her. She just didn’t know how to be happy. When she was happy, she was sad, and when she was sad then she was in anguish so she was never really happy. Happiness was fleeting, like a touch of butterfly wings, gentle and beautiful but gone all too soon before you even realised that they had actually touched you. Happiness was elusive like holding on to a wet writhing fish in slippery hands. Happiness was impossible to her, people like her never deserved to be happy, she was fat and ugly or so she thought. No man looked twice at her, no man wanted her or dreamed of her, not in this lifetime. Her heart had been broken so many times she wondered if she would feel any worse.

“Amy”, she turned it was her friend Emily gently calling her. Emily knew too well the dark thoughts of this mind, she knew too well how much her friend hurt and at times she wished she could find that bastard who had hurt her so much three years ago. If only Amy would find someone who would give her the four As like they always discussed Appreciation, Attention, Adoration and Affection, someone who would truly understand her and love her nonetheless cause she had flaws, plenty of them so did everyone else but Amy, Amy needed someone who would understand her cause her emotional setup was so complex. When something good happened to her instead of being happy it made her sad, because she says she knew it wouldn’t last, when something bad happened to her then she was almost happy because she says she was used to it and she could endure the pain. She had been an object of ridicule all her life she had been laughed at hated and rejected so many times that she had learnt to build a wall around her heart such that when anything happened she laughed at herself first so that when someone else did it, it no longer hurt as much.

“All I want is someone to hold me, someone to take care of me, someone to….” Amy didn’t bother pretending to her friend they both knew what she had been thinking about and what she meant. Am I so ugly and fat that nobody wants me, am I meant for a life of loneliness. Who doesn’t long for someone to love, who doesn’t want.....”  Her voice trailed off as she continued to marinate in self-pity.

“Stop it Amy, stop it right now, stop beating yourself down, you are not ugly and we both know it, the only reason no one approaches you is because you push them away before they even try.” Emily was angry and so tired of this conversation, they had had it so many times and it was like hitting your head on a concrete wall.

“How do I push them away, tell me how?” Amy angrily pleaded

“By that very attitude, any man who is looking at you right now wouldn’t want any part in your life you look so miserable, approaching you is like, like……. Like approaching a cyclone, no one in their right mind would do that. You know what? I no longer pray that you get a man, you don’t need a man cause in this state you would chase him away with your dark brooding and miserably terrifying soul, you need to come to terms with your past and learn to love yourself before someone can love you.” With that Emily stalked off and went to stand beside her husband of seven years who was talking to Jim and Jill the terrible two.

Amy was shocked she had never seen Emily this angry but she didn’t deserve that, she wanted pity for goodness’ sake, she needed to be the victim and pitied.   She had lived off people’s pity for so long that she was lost without it. “Poor Amy” was all she wanted to hear from her friend. She didn’t need this, she didn’t need a lecture. Emily had a loving husband and a son and they were the same age she would never understand how she felt, not at all. Make a quick decision she left, no need to continue torturing herself anymore. She would go back to her lonely flat, and read a novel or play some music, make herself a ham sandwich and maybe even watch a movie curled up on her couch. That was the best idea she had had all day!

As she opened her door to her two bedroomed flat with a huge living area cum dining room and a small cosy kitchenette she felt much better. The whole flat was done in black silver and lime and it was so lovely. The French doors leading to the balcony where covered by a huge mass of lime silk curtains which looked like a beautiful brilliant waterfall, the four piece  settee set was in a lighter shade of lime with silver metallic legs. The table in the middle was in black and so was the carpet and TV stand. The huge room was spaciously furnished Amy believed in less is more and the effect was beautiful.  There were a few beautiful costly paintings scattered around the room and anyone who entered this home could easily tell that she was a designer. The main bedroom had the same cascading curtains only this time they were in silver matching the chest of drawers and walk in closet doors. The room was carpeted in black as well and the huge bed was covered in a soft lime and splashes of lime were strategically placed all over the room. It was beautiful and the huge mirror on one wall completed the modern look. Everyone who came into her home was always awed by the beauty, the combination of colour, the house was so warm and inviting yet one was afraid to sit in case they disturbed anything. Amy herself felt that sometimes, as if it was meant to be left untouched, someone had suggested she invite the prestigious My Home magazine to her place they would love it she had said. Amy had been flattered but she didn’t want the intrusion, she loved the solitude sometimes, it gave her all the time to think and indulge unconstructed in self-pity.  

She stripped and decided to take a shower and as she finished a wave of pain hit her. She doubled over and fell, not again she whimpered, not now……… and then she lost consciousness                                                                 

She was curled up on the bathroom floor afraid to move in case it got worse frightened yet resigned could things get any worse than this? She had been waiting for something good to happen to her for a long long time but things only seemed to get worse. All she wanted all she had prayed and asked for was someone to love her, someone to call her in the middle of the night someone to miss her, someone to worry about her, someone to ask how her day was if she had had lunch if she was okay. Someone to share her thoughts and dreams with, someone to help her carry the burdens that life was deliberately throwing onto her shoulders. She had prayed oh just how she had prayed but nothing seemed to be happening, she now understood the agony of loneliness the agony of being alone when everyone else around you is paired off, some even threesomes even if one of them didn’t know it. She questioned the workings of God, for one why are the beautiful gals always slim and slender, with beautiful long hair, flat tummies and never ballooning if they ate too much and on the other hand the ugly gals are fat and chubby, with short wild hair and quickly ballooning with any excessiveness in their diets. Why can’t the beautiful gals be fat and the ugly gals slim and slender then all will be balanced. Why did the gals who do not want babies get impregnated so easily in one stolen moment whilst the married couple who are longing for a child who have all the time and all the right to be working towards one remain barren. Life was an irony.