Melodies

In my head

 It didn't take long and Tim and Adam arrived with a side-by-side and First Aid kit. They examined my wrist and ankle carefully. Then wrapped them both with a tensor band to keep them in place. Jessalyn and Adam helped me into the side-by-side and we drove back to camp. 

 At camp Jessalyn decided that we were going to have to get my wrist checked out by a doctor. So at 3:00 in the morning we headed off to the hospital. They took me in right away because I was literally the only one at the ER. The doctor took an X-ray of my wrist to see if I had broken it. About 20 minutes later they came back to tell Jessalyn and I what they could see on the X-ray. 

 "So it looks like you just fractured your wrist slightly. You will need a brace for about 4 weeks and you won't want to be moving it at all for about a week or 2," The doctor explained to me. I nodded. The doctor got me a brace and made sure it fit well. He then handed Jessalyn a paper of all the information about what needed to be done for my wrist. We then got back in the car and drove back to camp. By the time we were back it was 4:30 in the morning. I headed straight to bed, didn't even change into my pajama's.

The next morning Jessalyn woke me up at 11:00. 

 "Good morning Melody. How'd you sleep?" 

 "Ok," I groaned. I looked at my clock, realizing I had slept really late. I got up very quickly and frantically, accidentally bumping my wrist on my bed. "Ow! What the heck!" I yelled. 

 "Relax Melody. I let you sleep long cuz you've been up almost all night. It's fine. Even I slept till almost 10:00," Jessalyn explained. My body relaxed and I sat back down on my bed. Suddenly everything from the night before came back into my mind and I remember the horrible thoughts that haunted me. They were trying to haunt me then too. I shut my eyes really tight trying to make them go away, but they wouldn't. They taunted me and made me hate myself and everyone around me all over again. 

 "Melody, what's wrong?" Jessalyn asked, cutting through the thoughts in my head. I paused, thinking of whether or not to tell her what I was struggling to control. I finally got my mouth to work and told her. 

 "My thoughts are haunting me. They make me hate everything and everyone around me. They're the thoughts that made me run away yesterday. I hate them but they wont stop," I confessed. Jessalyn looked at me, processing what I had just said. 

 "Those thoughts are wrong Melody. That's Satan talking to you. He's trying to make you want to leave and hate everyone but you don't have to. You can ask God to help you think about things that are good and helpful to you. If you ask God, he will help you, guaranteed. With God you have power over the devil. Satan can't control you when you have God on your side," Jessalyn explained. I thought through what Jessalyn had just said. God could really help me? Since when did he ever care about me? I guess we'll see what this week brings me, I thought.  

 We all head to lunch at around 11:50, some of the group went into the dining hall to serve and the rest of us waited outside to be let in. I noticed Jessalyn watching me closely, probably making sure I wouldn't run away again. Not like I actually could, what with a sprained ankle and fractured wrist. Not long later we got let into the dining hall to wait in line to eat. I dreaded meals. It was the worst time of day because my thoughts would take over and I ended up not eating. I didn't want anyone here to know that I had a bit of an eating disorder. The girls would all think I'm so stupid and horrible, if they didn't already think that. I got to the serving line and ask for only carrots and cucumbers. Everything else is too fatty and I didn't want to gain any weight. I'm too fat already, I thought. 

 No one said anything during lunch. I guess they just thought I wasn't hungry cuz my wrist and ankle hurt. That was true but not entirely. But if anyone would ask, I would just say that. I didn't want anyone to know. They didn't need to. It's my life and I can do with it what I want, I thought. That day went by with the normal sessions, a Team Development Activity, and guy/girl time in the evening. 

 Going to bed that night, I thought about the night before again. The thoughts haunted me and I became angry and hateful again. I sat in my bed, trying to control the feelings and thoughts, afraid I would blow up at someone. Then Taylor came in to see if we were ready for lights out. She noticed that I was huddled tightly in the corner of my bed, she came over to see what was up. 

 "Hey Melody, you ok?" Taylor asked. I looked up with tears in my eyes, but glared back at her. I shook my head. I was not ok. I felt like I was never ok. 

 "Should I go get Jessalyn?" Taylor questioned. I nodded, then put my head down, tightening my legs against my chest. Taylor quickly got up and walked over to her and Jessalyn's room. A minute later Jessalyn came in. She sat down beside me. 

 "Do you want to go for a walk?" Jessalyn asked. I nodded and got up and we walked outside. 

 "So what's up?" 

 "I... have those thoughts again.... They won't.... leave me," I stumbled. 

 "The same thoughts you had this morning and last night?" Jessalyn asked. 

 "Yes!" I said firmly. 

 "Relax Melody!" Jessalyn said a bit surprised I'd yelled. 

 "Sorry, I can't help being angry when these thoughts come," I replied, apologetically. 

 "Do you remember what I said this morning. About God being able to help you overcome these thoughts?" Jessalyn questioned.

 "Yes. You said that if I would ask God to help that he would," I answered. 

 "That's right. He wants to help you. He's waiting to help you."

 "I don't know if I'm ready for him to help me yet though," I said. 

 "Can I pray for you Melody?" Jessalyn asked. 

 "I guess so." 

 "Ok. Hey God, I have Melody here. She's having a hard time trusting you right now. Could you show her your love and that you are trustworthy. I know you love her, please show her the surpassing understanding of your love. Amen," Jessalyn prayed. I didn't feel too different. I was a bit calmer but not how I would have liked it to be. Jessalyn and I walked back inside.

 "Goodnight Jessalyn," I said. 

 "Goodnight Melody. I love you," Jessalyn replied.