Melodies

God, why?

 Sunday afternoon we went home for a 24 hour stretch to sleep, do laundry and see our family. I was still walking on air and I was so excited to tell my parents about what had happened. That 24 hours was good, but I anxiously wanted to be back at camp. I missed Jessalyn, Taylor and Emery so much. I couldn't wait to go back to camp Monday evening. 

 Monday evening finally rolled around and my parents dropped me off again. I excitedly walked into shalom, still on my spiritual high. I was so happy to see everyone, my smile just wouldn't disappear. That whole evening I couldn't contain my joy. But little did I know, it was all going to go away in a moment. 

 The next day I woke up earlier than everyone else and went downstairs to the living room area. I felt really horrible. My stomach hurt so much. I didn't know what was happening to me. I groaned as a shot of pain surged through my stomach. I didn't feel sick but I could feel myself starting to go into a panic attack. It didn't take long and I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt like I could throw up but I made myself hold it in. I began to cry. 

 "God, why would you let me feel like this?" I whispered angrily. I lay there on the couch for another 20 minutes, waiting for the anxiety to pass. I calmed myself down just in time for everyone to get up. I walked up the stairs to my room to get ready for the day. 

 Breakfast came and I still wasn't feeling good. I walked into the dining hall with my group and as we waited in line I could smell the food. All I could think about was how much my stomach hurt and thoughts of my anorexia came back. I remembered how I didn't want to be fat. How all I wanted to do was be away from people. I tried to fight the thoughts again but it didn't work. As I neared the front of the line I had to make a choice. Do I eat or do I not? I chose to have fruit, that's it. I thought maybe that would make it less obvious that I was trying to not eat. We all sat together around two tables and started to eat. I sat kind of off to the side. My mind had taken over again and I'd given into the thought that God didn't care about this part of my life. He only loves me and is there when I'm happy and ok. He can't handle this problem. I thought. 

During our devotions time, I took my guitar out with me and started play some of the songs I had heard during our worship times. I don't know how but I figured out the chords for the songs and could remember all the words to a few songs I really liked. I played for the whole 45 minutes. I could have been out there all day, but I knew Jessalyn would freak out if I didnt come back to shalom on time. I reluctantly walked back, wishing I could just escape for a while.