Catch Me

Ch. 20

Coralys pov

I was hoping by the time I woke up that Demi would've forgotten about the blade incident, but she didn't.

"Coraly, I'm not going to just let it slide and until I find out why you did it I'm not leaving." Demi says.

"I don't want to talk about it!"

"Sometimes we have to talk about things we don't want to talk about in order to get help." She says.

I snap, I finally have enough of the pushing and begging for me to talk. I'm tired and I can't keep this fight going anymore, "I hate it when you say you fucking care because none of you do! It pisses me off to hear it because it's a lie! What have any of you done to show me you care!? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! I don't care about all of you so why cant you all admit you don't fucking care about me!? The only people I care about are my parents and those are the only people I'll ever care about! So unless you can find them and give me back to them them then just shut up! None of you will ever understand what it's like to be me so stop!"

"You think we don't care?" She asks.

"You don't. It really took you all 6 hours before realizing I'm not in a room with you all. Then while in a coma you volunteered for babysitting duty only because you knew a detail of my past that finally made you feel guilty for all the pain you caused me. Had you not known that, you wouldn't fucking care. You care only because of guilt. Everyone else? They don't care at all. Where were they when I woke up or was in a coma? No where. Proving the point, I don't mean enough to dedicate your time with me. You all always exclude me out of things. But I don't care. Fuck you all. Peace the fuck out when I'm 18. If any of you try and contact me after I'm filing a restraining order for harassment. I'm done with all of your fucking bullshit." I say as the tears begin to flow.

"I can't speak for everyone else but I'll speak for myself. Do I feel guilt for what I've done in the past? Yes. However I had felt it long before you had done what you had. I was not ok and I took it out on you which also was not ok. I was on some things I shouldn't have been on and it completely messed with my head. You don't understand how someone thinks like that until your own it and you also think like that. I hope to god that you never go down that path because it's not a good one. I regretted and felt guilt the second I was able to think clearly again. I didn't know how to fix the situation and so I just never tried to. You were scared of me and I figured the best thing to do was to just leave you alone. When you did what you had I realized that there was a chance you may die and you'd pass remembering all the awful things I had done to you. That's what fucked me up. I didn't want you to leave with us not having the relationship we should've. When you woke up I tried Coraly. I tried to fix things and change things but it was all one sided. You didn't want that and you made it clear. I figured it was too late and when you got angry at the last appointment I thought that I was just beginning to bring the worst out in you. So yes, I brought you back to moms. I want you to be where you're comfortable and happy and if I'm not the person to provide both, I'm going to let you go back to the person who can." She says.

"Then why am I here if you already forced me to go back last time?" I ask as the tears continue.

"I don't believe I made the right decision. With me you had not self harmed a single time and within 2 hours of being at moms, you had. You had seemed to be in a better place mentally and although it wasn't the best, it was an improvement from what it had been. Now you're back to being as low as you used to be. I'm not saying you absolutely love it here and nothing makes you happier than being here, but I personally think you are a little better here than there." She says.

"Can I please have it back?" My voice cracks.

I can tell the sentence effects her in some way, but she does her best to not show that, "No Coraly. I'm not going to let you continue to do this. There's so many other ways you can cope, healthy ways. This is not healthy and it's not ok. I'm aware this isn't your last blade, you don't think I didn't do the same thing? Hand it over with ease because I knew I had more? I will take every blade you do this with until it's truly the last one you have. This will be flushed down the toilet." She says.

I only break down and cry at the news. This isn't even fair! Dianna and Eddie knew I did it and they let me do it! They never took my blades or cared when they saw new cuts on my body! Why am I being stopped now?!

"Coraly it'll get better." Demi says.

"IT NEVER GETS BETTER! THIS IS MY LIFE! MY LIFES A FUCKING SHIT SHOW! IT'LL NEVER GET BETTER UNTIL THE DAY I FUCKING DIE!" I scream before crying harder.

"Things take time Coraly. You can't expect things to get better so quickly. You have to find ways to cope and heal because of you don't, everything resurfaces and hurts you as much as it always has. With no way to cope you suffer. You're letting the past effect everything you do now and it hurts." She says.

After only seconds of me crying she asks, "Do you agree?"

I shift my gaze to her and see her own eyes begin to water as she looks at me crying the hardest I've ever cried, "I want it."

Demi's pov

Watching Coraly cry is so much harder than watching Madison cry. Coraly doesn't cry. She doesn't allow herself to be vulnerable in front of you. She doesn't allow herself to cry and be vulnerable because she doesn't want to feel weak. So to have to watch Coraly cry hurts. She has reached her breaking point and I am aware she's in a lot of emotional pain now.

"I won't give it back Coraly." I say.

"That's not fair!" She cries.

"It is because it's helping you on the long run." I say.

"I WANT TO DIE!" She screams.

She cries harder and she just begins to shake moments after the sentence leaves her mouth. The four words are a knife to the heart and I can't hold myself back anymore. I just want to hold her.

So I move from the end of the bed and sit beside her. She doesn't jump away like she normally would so I go ahead and pull her beside me and wrap my arms around her as she cries. She doesn't push me away or freak out, she just continues to cry.

"Coraly you've made it this far, you can't give up now. All the physical pain is over, you made it through all that. It's time to focus on you're mental and emotional pain now. That's what's been left untreated for a while. You're the strongest person I know and I don't know how you made it through what you have. It proves you're a fighter and you've got a lot of fight in you and we need to find that fight. I know you still have some in you, because you haven't tried it again. So that means you have fought yourself not to which takes a lot of strength to do. Please let me help you Coraly." I say.

She doesn't reply, just cries for another hour and let's me hold her. In all honesty, it was the longest hour of my life. Seeing her so broken hurts.

"Good girl." I say Coraly takes a few deep breaths trying to calm herself down the remaining bit.

As she lets out the smallest of whimpers as I wipe the tears from her face. Only a few seconds later I'm left with her red and tired eyes.

"You'll be ok." I say.

"No I won't." Her voice says so quietly.

"You will. Let me help you." I say.

"I am."

I look at her to see her eyes already closed, but I don't have it in me to leave her right now. She's never let someone hold her, when someone's tried to in the past she gets angry and pushes them away. Her allowing me to hold her may not seem like such a big deal, but it's a huge one. I don't want her to reach this level of trust and me leave her and feel like I didn't want to help her. She easily convinces herself of things that aren't true and I can't afford to break the trust I have now. I already lost it once, I can't loose something I just got back.