I'm gay
But In a way
That makes me feel weird about reading
Books with straight couples in them
Even though I used to love that shit.
I'm gay
But in the way
I feel strange about searching
My feeds for gay memes
Because sometimes I still feel so disconnected
From the rest of the world that it doesn't make sense
To try and search for the parts of me
That don't exactly exist.
I'm gay
But in the way
I wear dresses and dream of kissing girls
Bathed in sunlight
Daisy chains in their hair
Sitting in a field in the middle of nowhere.
I'm gay
But not in the way
I call every little thing against me homophobia.
I'm gay
But like, gay like I love
Taylor Swift and Camilla Cabello.
But I also love Hayley kiyoko,
So I guess it balances out?
I'm gay
But like, I'm not out yet.
Not because I'm Asian and my parents don't approve
But because sometimes I question myself.
I'm gay
But like, I don't make all those jokes.
You know the ones, comparing myself to a ruler, a book, anything that's straight just so I can say
Not like me
And make my hordes of friends
Crack up, pretending they haven't heard that shit
Thousands of times.
I'm gay
But not like
Being gay is my entire personality.
Seriously.
My sexuality has nothing to do with who I am.
I'm not overly flamboyant or butch or any of those things.
Seriously.
Sometimes it's like I'm a secret gay,
Out to a few close friends
But no one else.
I'm gay
But that isn't the point of all this.
The point is that I may be in love with a couple
Of girls I can never have, but that doesn't define me.
The point is that
I may not wear flannel shirts and combat boots
But I still dream of her soft lips.
The point is that
I may have long hair, and wear dresses and have glasses and love to read and be half Asian and write poetry and be a massive fangirl and take science and love calculus and do karate and teach kids karate and take art classes outside of school and be a prefect and be stressed and be in love with people I shouldn't love and be insecure about my body and my life and annoy the hell out of my friends and eat rice for lunch and listen to pop music and not be on Tumblr and read articles about ridiculous things and cry and have breakdowns and laugh and travel and have a job and exist,
But that doesn't make me
Any more or less
Gay.
~april 2019
~~
So these two poems (part 1 and part 2) I wrote almost a year apart...
It's funny that they're about the same thing, but with a completely different take on it...
