I tried to be happy.
To practice indifference.
I tried to pretend that things were great
That I was doing better.
But that's the thing.
Eventually that facade starts to crack
slowly at first, unnoticeably.
And then
Before you know it
You're smashed open
Spilling your contents
Into unwitting hands
Watching all the bottles up feelings-
The tight lipped smiles
The pounding heartbeats,
The unblinking eyes
The lies one after another
Sloshing over your feet
Looking down and trying to figure out
What you've done.
And then you're off
Running down the road
Feet pounding the pavement
As you try to outrun the tears
Memories of your feet bouncing off this exact pavement
Years ago
With your brother
Laughing madly
Resurfacing, unwanted.
And then
You're sitting on the bus
Blasting music in your ears
Trying to block out everything else
Eyes closed
Head spinning
Tears threatening
To spill.
And then
You're home
Throwing your bag to the ground
Eyes only slightly scrunched up
And you're turning on some innane video
And lying on the cold naked mattress
And curling up in a ball with your blanket and pillow
And trying to fight your eyes from closing
And almost winning
But not quite.
And then
You're being shaken awake
By your parents
Demanding to know if you've eaten yet
What have you done today
Why are you sleeping at four pm.
And then
You're making your bed
And lying on the fresh sheets
And finishing your book
And preparing to face
The world.
And then
You're closing your eyes
And taking three deep breaths
And opening them again
Putting on a brave face
And pretending everything
Is ok.
~september 2019
