Why do I have to prove to you I'm not straight
Why can't you just accept it
Instead of
Calling it a "phase" saying I'm "confused"
Why do you need to demand proof from me
Like I've secretly had a girlfriend
I've kept from you for all this time, because
THAT makes sense.
Why do I need to prove to you
That I am who I want to be
Why do I have to come out, like it's a big deal
Why do I have to tell you, sit you down
Stare you down
And tell you I like girls?
Why do only the queer have to come out?
Why can't everyone?
Is it just another way to say
We're different, to remind us we aren't like
The rest? Cause if so, it's doing a great job.
Because of you I question myself daily.
Because of you I hid the queer side of myself
The side that loved girls from the world, and
Myself.
Because of you I have to censor every single
Word that comes out of my mouth, so
Terrified I'll make the wrong choice
Say the wrong thing.
Because of you I feel like I'm not really in love
But that weird space in between, that comes
When you want something so much you'll lie
Just to have it.
Because of you I still feel uncomfortable
With myself and my choices, because of you
I can't look at myself in the mirror without
Wishing I was someone else
Wishing these feelings would go away.
Because of you I don't even feel like I'm
Gay, but an imposter.
Because media has made me believe
That to be a girl who loves girls
You have to be strong, wear only pants and
Shirts, have tattoos all over your body
Short hair, lip piercings, ear piercings
Tongue studs, nose rings.
Media has led me to believe
That to be a girl who loves girls
I have to hate dresses, hate long hair
Never feel pretty, only strong.
I have to ride a motorcycle
And smoke, be rebellious, fight the
Patriarchy, be a die hard
Feminist.
But I'm not.
I don't have short hair, I wear dresses all the
Time. I love looking in the mirror, and telling
Myself I look pretty (cause I know no one else will.)
I love to read and write poetry, and feel the most comfortable in a library, surrounded by
The words of others.
I can accept these parts of myself, have for
Some time.
But because of you I can't accept the one
Part I should.
Because of you I can't accept that I love
Girls.
~november 2018
