You asked me, somewhat perplexed
Why. Why had I chosen to talk to
You, not some advisor in an office?
And I didn't know what to say.
I couldn't tell you the truth
That since I first found out my thoughts were
I have to tell her.
I couldn't say I trust you more
Than I've trusted any adult
That you're the first adult I came out to
The first adult I truly opened up to.
I couldn't say
That there was an inextricable
Connection between us, that made me
Want to be closer to you
Share all my secrets.
I couldn't say
There was something more, at least for me.
I couldn't say I knew you would support
Me, no matter what happened.
I couldn't say I knew you wouldn't
Judge.
I couldn't say I needed to know
My choices, my thoughts, I
Was valid.
I couldn't say how I just wanted to hear your
Voice, reminding me
Everything would be
Fine.
I couldn't say I needed you.
I couldn't say any of these things.
So instead I just said
I wanted to tell someone
Who could step in and help
If I needed it.
And you understood, looked at me
With those soft eyes
And listened.
You listened as I complained
About karate, parents, secrets, school.
You sat next to me
In the baking hot sun
And gave me strategies
Gave me hope.
I wish you knew
How hard that was for me.
How hard it was to open up
Show myself, in all it's forms
Not just the perfect student persona I put on Around adults, but the raw
Broken, stressed girl I really was.
I wish you knew
You are the first adult who's ever helped me
To open up, to share my truths, no matter
How hard.
That day in English, when you asked me to
Read that intro
I'd written?
That was the first time I'd spoken
In class all year, first time
I'd shared with an entire class
My actual thoughts, work.
It was all because of
You.
If it had been anyone else
I would have shied away
Hidden behind Dexter
Or pretended I hadn't done it.
But it was you.
And so, I shakily read it out loud, even though
It wasn't finished, wasn't my best.
I still did it.
Because you made it easy.
I wanted to show you
I could be more
Do more
Than just hide away in the back
Of the class, reading and scrawling words
In a notebook.
I wanted to show you
I could contribute too.
So thank you.
You may never know it
But it's because of you I applied for prefect.
You seemed so sure I'd do well
And you showed me I could.
A year ago
I would never have dreamed
That I would be lying awake
Writing this to you.
A year ago
I would never have dreamed
I would have gone through so much
Ups and
Downs, secrets and surprises.
A year ago
I would never have dreamed
I'd be so comfortable
With myself, something I wasn't
For so long.
A year ago
I wouldn't have thought
Any of this
Would have happened.
~november 2018
