Mr Refreshing

More Studying, Less Kissing

I love you, Daichi. I love you, I love you I love you.

It was a beautiful feeling, warm and soft and safe, to be able to finally say those three words. It was all he's been wanting to do, to see Daichi's soft brown eyes crinkle into a happy smile in response to his profession of love. It was the most wonderful thing in the world, if only in his dreams.

Suga feels a mild ache in his chest as he stirs, wishing he could just block out reality and fall right back into dream world, where he isn't a coward, and where the most blissful Daichi is waiting for him. Instead, he becomes more aware of the sunlight against his eyelids turning the world an unpleasant neon orange. He begrudgingly pushes himself off the bed, rubbing his eyes before catching himself – he does this every morning, rubs a knuckle over his eyes, then chastises himself for causing premature wrinkles.

What was that dream about, anyway? All he remembers now is pure bliss, and... I love you.

Suga sighs as he lazily makes his way into the bathroom for his morning routine. One day, he tells himself, he'll be able to say those words to Daichi with no apprehension, no fear, no regrets. Truth is, he tries every day, but the thought never lives past a 'what if'. He's not sure why it's so difficult for him either, he sees it all the time in the movies, in books, on TV. It's supposed to be easy, heck, Daichi makes it look easy, that is, until that time Suga had a full-on panic attack when confronted with it in such a vulnerable state.

Daichi has never said those words to him again since then.

Suga realises that he's never actually said "I love you" to anyone before. As a single child, he's never had a sibling to say it to. He has never actually found the need to verbally express it to his parents, too. Maybe that's why it's so unnatural to him, despite the fact that he knows how he feels about Daichi.

Daichi has changed Suga's life in every way imaginable. He's the logic to Suga's irrational, the discipline to his whimsical, the cornerstone of emotional support, as a friend, co-captain, and boyfriend. Suga wants to see every facet of Daichi, good or bad, because he knows that whatever he finds, he'll hold it dear. He wants Daichi to be safe and happy, and truly, genuinely believes that Daichi deserves nothing less. If that isn't love, then Suga wouldn't know what love is anymore.

He hates that he's unable to say it, because he knows how much it hurts Daichi. Daichi tries not to show it, but Suga sees how his bright eyes would grow placid after they share a moment, and he catches the words before they escape his lips.

It's ridiculous, really, because this fear wasn't there at the start. Suga didn't even flinch the first time Daichi said it to him, in the equipment room where they'd shared their first kiss, but as their relationship progressed, the apprehension had grown too. Sometimes it seems that he's trying to protect himself from an inevitable heartbreak. Deep down, he thinks he's not good enough for Daichi, I mean, how could he be? How is it that out of seven billion people in the world, Daichi would fall for him? He counts himself too lucky already, and subconsciously, he's bracing himself for the day Daichi wakes up and realises he could do better. It's ridiculous. Even Suga knows that's probably not true, but he can't help himself from feeling this way.

If he says it, it would make it all too real.

Suga sighs and wipes the thoughts from his head as he checks his ahoge in the mirror. Sufficiently tall, yet adequately floppy.  Satisfied, he exits the bathroom. Daichi would be coming over later in the afternoon, as he usually does on the weekends. He says it's hard to study at home with two younger siblings, but Suga knows that's just an excuse to be around.

"Morning, Suga!"

Daichi is already kneeling on the tatami by his dining table, a steaming cup of green tea in his hands.