Comedy 101

Chapter 3: The Duel

I should've known he would cheat. The duel went terribly. Here's how it went:

We met up at 3:00 behind the school. Luckily, school wouldn't begin for another week, so there were no teachers there. Jamal brought a group of kids I had never met before. He claimed he didn't know them, either.

"Ladies first," he said.

"Ah," I thought, "ladies first". A classic kindergarten joke. Not real comedy.

"Ok," I said, "say, Jamal. Did you hear about the movie theatre getting robbed of a thousand dollars? The thieves took one combo meal, a large Dr. Pepper and a box of Mike and Ike's."

Nobody laughed. "Weird," I thought.

Jamal looked at the group of kids. He made a face and went "DUH HUH HUH".

Laughter. Very. Loud. Laughter. "Shake it off, Leo. Shake it off," I thought.

"Gee, Jamal. Have you seen these fire safety signs up all over the place lately? They say you're supposed to test your fire alarm every 6 months, but it's costing me a FORTUNE in houses."

No laughter. Jamal replied with a simple "YOUR MOM", another classic 6th grade comeback. Not. Real. Comedy. But for some reason, all the kids crack up. This is totally crushing my morale.

"You know, Jamal. People always say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. Well I say 'if you can't beat them, beat them' because they'll be expecting you to join them and you'll have the element of surprise."

Nothing. I try one last time.

"Did you know light travels faster than the speed of sound? That's why sometimes people look bright until you hear them speak."

Nothing. Jamal made another face. Another stupid noise. Another round of applause. I lost. I sulked away and walked home.

The next day I saw Jamal at the playground paying off the same exact kids. But it didn't matter. Jamal still told everybody he beat me fair and square.

There you have it. That's why I hate Jamal Woods...and probably why I always will.