thoughts at 4 am

layers

it has gotten to the point
where she convinces herself that she is always cold
so she must wear a jacket
at all times
even when the sun is blazing
with the jacket glued to her bare skin
with sweat trickling down her back
with people constantly asking her:
"aren't you hot in that?"

she really wants to say:
"yes"
but she will not
because how can see admit 
that she is too ashamed
to take off her jacket
too ashamed
to show her layers:
of imperfection
of insecurity
of self-consciousness
so she must keep it on,
not as protection from the cold,
but a protection for herself

so when they ask if she's too hot
she says:
"no, really, im fine. im just always cold." while hugging the jacket just a little closer
she isn't referring to bodily temperature
but the lack of love she has for herself