Before You Go

chapter thirty-eight

Eliza

The next morning, I wake up in Leon's arms. My cheek is resting against his chest and each breath he expels is hot on my forehead. The arm around my waist is heavy, but it feels comforting in ways I can't explain. He also smells delicious, like cedar wood with a splash of something citrus. I can't tell if it's lemons or limes. Leon's presence and this intimate moment make me want to stay here forever. But I know that's impossible. Although I've been processing my thoughts and have decided who I want, I don't know if I have the courage to break James's heart. After everything we've been through, I feel terrible my heart longs for someone else.

Speaking of James... he's probably wondering where the hell I ran off to last night. If he finds out about me cuddling with Leon all night, he's immediately going to think I had sex with him; that I had an affair. Even if I try to convince him I didn't have sex with Leon and use the sleepovers we used to have as backup evidence, James will never understand. He'll jump straight into his assumptions and go with them. We'll get into another argument.

"Shit," I mutter, trying to work my way out from under Leon's arm. I don't want to wake him up—he looks comfortable and he deserves to sleep in. He stayed with me all night, just like I asked. The realization strikes a chord in my heart.

My efforts do nothing, though. "Liz?"

Propped up on my elbow, I freeze and look at Leon. His hair has always been prone to knots and tangles, so it's no surprise it's a total disaster. As he sits up, yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, my heart thumps rapidly. I've missed the warmth that radiates off his body. I've missed his smell and the comfort of him being pressed against me. I've missed him.

"I have to go," I whisper. A pang of longing jolts through my heart. I don't want to leave. I want to stay here, hiding in the bedroom with Leon until the wedding date passes. That way, I'll be able to avoid what's to come. "James is probably wondering where I am."

Leon tugs at his hair and sighs. "Don't worry about it, Liz. We did nothing wrong last night. If James gets mad at you, tell him to come talk to me. I'll take care of the problem."

I try to smile, but my facial muscles fail; my smile is weak and less convincing than I intended. Telling James I only slept overnight and did nothing sexual—unless Leon kissing me falls in that category—with Leon wouldn't be a lie. So why does it still feel like a lie? Why does it feel like I'm betraying James?

I pull the charcoal-grey sweater Leon gave me before bed tighter around my body, breathing in his scent. The more time I spend with Leon, the more I realize how I've wronged James over the past year-and-a-half. I never got over Leon. And while there is a part of me that loves James, I don't fully love him. James deserves a woman whose heart is infatuated by him. The way my heart is infatuated with Leon.

I never stopped loving him. I never stopped loving the boy who comforted me during summer camp; kissed me during a dare; held my hair back while I puked my guts up; the man who bought me kettle corn and lemonade out of the goodness of his heart. The man who came back to me and admitted his mistakes.