oxygen (e.d.)

chapter fourteen

<ethan>

she turns her face to me, and i see shock.

"here," i hold out my hand, "you look really pale."

she looks at my hand, as if she's questioning it, but reluctantly takes it.

i notice that her eyes aren't focusing on one spot.

"are you okay?" i ask riley, making her meet my eyes.

"i'm-" she starts to say.

"ethan!"

i turn around and see rowen. her arms are crossed in front of her chest, and she's giving me the look.

"just a second, row."

she rolls her eyes and heads back down to the beach.

"i'm okay," she says shakily and dusts sand off herself.

"you can't lie to me, riley."

her eyes say a million things, but i can't pull out any real sentences.

i notice i'm still holding to her hand. it seems foreign. i drop it and she looks down, taking big breaths.

"do you need water?"

"no," she whispers, trying to look anywhere but at
me.

"let's go sit down."

she looks at me up and down, and anger flashes over her face.

"go back to rowen. she needs you more than i do."

her words are a slap in the face.

i thought she knew that even though we're not together anymore—

—i'll always be here for her.

she turns away, but i grab her wrist.

"riley, stop," i say, "let's go sit down. i need to know you're okay."

"i'm fine," she says, turning away.

"riley-"

"can you just stop pretending that you care about me?" she yells, whipping her head back around.

i'm taken aback by her words.

"you know better than anyone that that's not true."

she blinks, and i swallow hard.

does she really think i don't care about her?

does she really think i didn't spend 5 months feeling like shit because i was the reason for the break up?

does she really think i'll ever stop loving her?

i grow internally angry at myself. i've been telling myself over and over that she doesn't matter to me anymore, and that first loves never last. i've been telling my friends and family that we just had a falling out. that i don't love her anymore. i've been trying to convince myself for the past 5 months.

"can you take me home?" she asks softly, tears sparkling in her eyes.

"of course."

she follows me up to my car, and i send rowen a quick text.

[9:58] me: i'm sorry. i know this is super last second but i need to take a friend home.

[9:59] rowen: so you're just going to leave me here...?

[9:59] me: i'll be back. i promise i'll make it up to you. cross my heart.

[10:00] rowen: k.

"you don't have to do this, ethan," riley sniffles in the passenger seat.

"why wouldn't i?"

"i don't know," she mumbles and toys with the compartment below the dash.

"don't open-"

i'm too late, because she unlatches it and the door swings down.

she furrows her eyebrows at what she finds inside.

i kept everything.

it hurt too much to keep in my room, but i couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of her stuff.

i close my eyes as she silently fumbles through old notes, letters, her sunglasses she left in here, pictures, and anything else i had left of her.

"what is all this?" she whispers to me.

"um- i meant to give it all back after... you know... but i guess i forgot that it was in there."

lies.

i open it frequently, actually.

she puts on the sunglasses and laughs slightly, "i've been looking all over for these," she says softly.

i want to tell her to stop looking through everything, bringing back old memories, but i've actually imagined us going through the compartment together. laughing at how stupid it was of us to break up.

that probably won't be happening tonight.

"this," she smiles as she unfolds a piece of worn out notebook paper, "is the first note you passed to me in accounting. you folded it into a paper airplane and sailed it across the classroom."

"i remember," i say, "and david thought it was funny, but elanor was mad because it hit the side of her head."

"yeah," she says softly, still thumbing through everything.

she stops abruptly when she comes across a picture.

it's of us hiking one early morning, right at dawn.

she scrambles to shove everything back in the small compartment, which makes me utterly confused.

"um?"

"just take me home, ethan." she says rigidly.

i can tell she didn't mean to put her guard down like she did.

i drive her home in silence, and as she gets out of my car, i notice something on the seat.

"hey, don't forget your sunglasses." i motion to them.

"maybe rowen will get more use out of them."