Skinny Love

Chapter 21

I tried to say no to Cole but he wouldn't let me as he kept emphasising the urgency of this conversation, without actually saying it in those words. So, now I'm sitting on the back of Cole's bike. I have no clue where we're going but I'm terrified of what awaits. I can't lie to him but I can't tell him the truth.

It takes about 10 minutes until Cole pulls over at an abandoned park.

"We won't get interrupted by anyone here. I go most nights and have never seen anyone else." I don't know what to say so just nod my head as I climb off his bike. He takes me to a bench right at the back of the park, its surrounded by unruly hedges, almost disappearing behind them.

Both of us are silent as we sit down, not knowing where to start. I can't handle the silence so start the conversation, acting ignorant.

"So... what did you wanna talk about?" as soon as I say it, I regret it; Cole's head whips towards me, disbelief clear on his face. He scoffs and starts speaking

"You know why we're here, Hattie. What were you doing yesterday at the park?" I answer almost immediately, not letting him know how scared I am right now.

"I was on a run." Again, I regret this as soon as I say it. Cole jumps off the bench and paces in front of me. I can tell he's trying to not shout at me, so he takes a few deep breaths and begins to speak again.

"Hattie, please. I meant after the run. You-you threw up in the bin at the park... and then you smiled about it." when he says this, the memories flood back into my mind. I don't know how to answer and tears spill from my eyes and stream down my face like a river. Cole walks back towards me but I'm so ashamed of how I must look to him; pathetic and ugly, so I turn my face to the side and hide behind my hair. I feel his presence crouched in front of me and then his hand grabs mine that are resting in my lap. The action makes me turn back towards him. Once I do, he starts speaking again but in a gentler tone this time.

"Look love, I'm not gonna judge you. I know you must think I will and I get that, I do but I'm not going to. I just want to help you as much as I can. So, please, just tell me what's going on."

I wasn't going to tell him but there was something about the way he was looking at me and the way his hands felt holding mine that made me trust him.

"I-I don't really know how to say it." I stutter out through the sobs.

"It's OK. Just say it how you feel it." Cole replies, comfortingly.

"In primary school I used to get called big, like if someone were to describe me, I was the big one of my family. I never thought it was a bad thing, I mean Hannah was always a bit smaller than me but there wasn't that much difference so never saw it as a problem." I take a deep breath.

"Until I learned that it was meant to be one. My mother started to take me and Hannah shopping, telling me that I was meant to be smaller so I could set a better example for Hannah. She put me on a diet but it never really stuck. At this time I was best friends with Cadie."

At this Cole raises his eyebrows, clearly confused by that statement.

"We were in year 6 and she started giving me what she considered to be constructive criticism, which was basically telling me I needed to dress better, start using makeup and lose weight or she would drop me as a friend when we got to high school. I remember being so scared to lose her as a friend so I did exactly what she said. I got my mum to buy me new clothes and expensive makeup and I stopped eating for the whole summer before high school. I was a new person in year 7, nothing like I am now but so different from primary school."

I take a second to chuckle, thinking back to the girl I used to be when I was friends with Cadie.

"Then what happened?" Cole asks, rising from his position on the ground to sit on the bench beside me.