Skinny Love

Chapter 41

Wednesday 10th June

Hattie's POV

"So, are you excited about going home today?" Lucy asks me.

I've been in the rehab centre for just over four months now, and me and my dad have decided that I'm finally ready to go home, ready for my last afternoon at school.

"Yeah, I guess. Nervous though." I reply, honestly.

Being honest with Lucy used to scare me, like being honest with her meant I was going to be forced to do things I didn't want to do. Now, however, I realise that being honest doesn't always have this big negative consequence.

"What makes you nervous?" she questions me, calmly, as if she expected me to say this.

"I guess I just don't know how well I'm going to do on the outside..." she nods her head, prompting me to continue "In here, there is a routine to follow and people to tell you when you're not allowed to do something, like skipping meals. On the outside, I won't have that anymore. I-it would be so easy to slip up." Anxiety tightens my chest as I think about going back to where I was a few months ago.

"And that's perfectly normal and ok. It will obviously take some time to adjust to everything back home, but there is an open phone line and open door policy here for if you ever need someone."

I nod my head, knowing that she's right but I still can't shake the fear that everything will go wrong as soon as I step out of those doors.

In my time here, I haven't been allowed to count calories or know my weight, there's never any way to get rid of the food I had to consume and there was a rule of not being force fed. We had to make the decision to eat for ourselves unless it became dangerous for us not to. It was hard to know when I needed to eat but eventually I got to a point where I could eat something without feeling like the world was ending. What if that changes?

"What are you looking forward to about going home?" Lucy interrupts my thoughts with another question, trying to get me to fully open up about how I'm feeling.

"Seeing my friends." Instinctively, my hand reaches up and takes a hold of the Cole's necklace, which I have never removed from my neck since he gave it to me.

"Yeah, you have a good group of friends. When they all came a while back, I got to meet them and they all seem great. Just like you described them to be."

"They're amazing." My heart hurts slightly at the thought of seeing them after over a month without them. However, the anxiety in me is telling me that seeing them won't be a good thing for me. I push the feeling aside, knowing that it will all be fine.

"Do you remember what we talked about, though? You shouldn't feel like you are getting better for them. You are getting better for you."

"Yeah, I know. It's hard, though; when they look at me, expecting me to just be better because I'm leaving here."

Last time I saw Lola, Harry and Cole, they came to visit me at lunch time, meaning they had to sit through the gruelling hour of people with eating disorders forcing themselves to eat or to slow down eating. After I told them I was leaving soon, they kept looking at how I was eating, like they were silently saying that if I wasn't eating normally then why was I coming out? It didn't help the process of wanting to be released.

"Just remember that being better isn't a destination; it's a journey. You don't just wake up one day and all of your problems are magically solved. You work towards small goals on the journey to getting better."

*****

Approaching my house, a strange feeling settles inside of me. I've missed it but so many negative memories are attached to this place. Nothing has changed since I've been away, not that I expected it to; this family hates change.