Skinny Love

Chapter 42

Wednesday 8th July

Prom.

The event that most British high school students look forward to their entire high school career. You get to dress up in extravagant suits and dresses, get your makeup and hair done as bold as you like it, and then you rent an expensive mode of transport so that you can show off in front of anyone who comes to watch.

So, why am I dreading it so fucking much?

Maybe it's the thought of spending hours trying to get my makeup and hair perfect. Or maybe it's the thought of how much money my dad insisted on spending on the dress sitting in front of me. It could be the thought of pretending like I'm not uncomfortable in my too tall heels all night. Or it could be that I have to be paraded in front of tons of people, the majority of which I won't know, and I won't know what a single one of them is thinking. I won't know if they like my dress, my hair, my makeup and I won't know if, to them, I look too wide or too skinny.

But still, here I am, sat in my bedroom with Lola standing behind me making the final touches on my hair. We still have half an hour before the boys get here but Lola said that we need at least that long to put our dresses on and make any final touches.

"Alright, you're done. If you want anything to eat or drink, now would be the time to do so. I'm just going to finish my hair." Lola says, sitting down in the chair I had just gotten up from.

I decide to go downstairs and have a small snack and a glass of water while I still can. Approaching the fridge, I see a protein bar and so decide to have that. It hurts to open the packet and throw it straight in the bin without looking at the calories it contains, but I do it anyway and take the first bite. There's a screaming in my head to stop, to just put the bar down and walk away. Nobody will know so it doesn't matter. Yet, I continue. I keep chewing and swallowing until the bar is all gone. It threatens to make its way back up, and I guess a part of me would like that, but I just drink some water to wash it all down.

This is the process I go through every single time I force myself to eat. I have to ignore every voice inside of me just shouting to stop and that I can work off anything I just consumed. It's hard to do, I won't lie. However, for all of the voices telling me to stop, there are more important voices telling me I can do this and to just keep going. Those are the voices that get me through this most of the time.

It doesn't quite work like that all the time though. Sometimes, I just can't help but give up and listen to the bad voices in my head. I've slipped up a few times since I've been home but I always manage to build myself back up again, with the help of everyone I love. That's the difference between now and before; I can now pick myself back up and try to get better for myself, but before I was only doing it for other people. I didn't realise that was a bad thing until rehab and am grateful to now know.

"Hey, bud. How you getting on up there?" My dad asks, taking a seat on the counter next to me.

"Lola's done my hair and makeup, she's just finishing her hair. I thought I should come and get little something to eat before I get dressed."

"It all looks very nice, Lola's good at the whole hair and makeup thing, obviously." He takes a deep breath "You know what looks the best on you though?" I shake my head "The happiness."

"What?" I ask, confused.

"You've been so much happier since you've come home, Hattie... and I couldn't be more proud."

"Thanks, dad." I smile slightly but something in me can't form a full one "Would be nice if mum felt the same way."

My dad's face changes immediately, and I can't tell why. He sighs and turns to face me.