Reject (mxm)

Chapter Twenty-Three: Ciaran

pix of Bran ----->

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I know the exact moment Ruari stepped in the workshop. How could I not when my whole body throbbed with the intense need to get close to him?

I missed him so damn much I feel like I'm dying.

I admit, I purposely stayed away. I don't sleep in my room or go back when I know he'd be there and I stayed out of the pack house as much as I could. I kept myself busy with pack duties and devoted all my remaining time trying to solve the issues about the raiders. I even went as far as asking Lorcan to keep Ruari away.

I don't know how to face him or what else I'm supposed to say. I'm so confused I feel like I'm going insane. When I finally decided to try and talk to him Bran informed me he went out, alone, to pick up Jean at the airport.

My first instinct was to follow him. How dare he leave without my permission? And going alone, what the hell was he thinking? And I realized I didn't give him a chance to tell or ask me anything since I've been avoiding him like the plague these past days.

Then fear started to snake through me. What if he doesn't come back? What if Jean convinces him to leave for good? In order to get my mind off that paralyzing thought, I ran for hours to burn off the anger, fear and frustration.

Once my mind was clear enough to work properly I remembered the fact that Ruari wouldn't just leave without telling me. Not this time. No matter what he decides, about our future, if we have one, and us, he would come to me and tell it to my face. Cale was still in the pack house and although its not official, I know that Ruari treats the boy like a son. He wouldn't just leave him here. If he did think of leaving he would have taken Cale with him.

But even if I know he'd come back to the compound the truth that he left, alone, to go and see Jean cut deep wounds inside me. I feel like someone took a carving knife on my heart and sliced it to tiny, uneven pieces.

When he came in the workshop I was happy that he seek me out. But when he didn't say or do anything to get my attention and allowed me to continue working, I got scared that he'd leave without talking to me and I didn't want that. I really wanted to hear his voice.

"What do you want Ruari?" I asked removing my welding helmet and mask.

It wasn't what I wanted to say.

I wanted to ask if he was alright, if he didn't have problems when he went out alone. I wanted to know why he came home late, what he'd been doing all this time. But none of those questions formed inside my head when I turned to face him. My mind just went blank and I said the first thing that formed in my mouth.

I seemed to have taken him by surprise because he kept quiet and looked like he wanted to run away again.

I tried to recover the conversation.

 "You left the compound alone," another wrong thing to say. Damn it!

"I had to pick up Jean from the airport,"  he answered and I felt my jaws clenched.

I wanted to grab him, to demand an explanation as to who Jean is and why he would choose him over me. But the last time we had that kind of conversation it ended up a like a bomb exploding in my face. As much as I want answers to my questions, I don't think I'm capable of handling any form of repercussions right now. So even if it felt like I was swallowing my own bloody guts, I remained quiet.

"I left Jean on a hotel for tonight but I think it'd be safer if she stays here." He said conversationally. "Of course, if that's alright with you."