Reject (mxm)

Chapter Twenty-Five: Ciaran

Quick Note: Woot! We reached the 10k mark how cool is that? Thanks everyone! This latest chapter is dedicated to all of you who've been with Ruari and Ciaran so far. And please continue to give them your support. Again, BIG THANK YOU to everyone!!! k",) 

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I fucked up, again... Damn it!

I watched Ruari walk away and resisted the impulse to drag him back so I could grovel at his feet.

He was crying. He didn't want me to see but I did.

Why is it, I could be eloquent and an over-achiever in other facets of my life but a bumbling idiot and a complete moron when it comes to dealing with my mate? Cliché, I know, but damned true so fuck me!

I always do the things that anger him, say words I never meant to say. I try so hard to make him happy, to accept me, to make him feel that he's special to me but all I've ever succeeded in doing is make him feel miserable and unwanted. I hurt him even without meaning to. Again and again and again!

Gad this is insane! I think I'm insane!

I should have let the issue about Jean drop. It wasn't that important anymore. It was clear from how they act towards each other that they regard one another no more than siblings. Very close siblings who liked to touch each other a lot and kiss, on the lips, and...

Shit that's not the fucking point!

Jean is not a threat I know that now. I realized my mistake. Ruari is right, I assumed too much. Jean is not a competition if anything she's an ally. She seems to care for Ruari and wants nothing but the best for him. But even if I know all that, even if my head understands it, I can't seem to stop myself from feeling jealous.

It's obvious that Ruari and Jean share a special connection. They have a rare bond and even I can tell it had been forged through hardship. Their relationship thrived and strengthened through circumstance and matured through the years. Frankly, I want to have that kind of connection with Ruari, that and a lot of other things.

But how do I ask him for that without looking and sounding like a demanding fool?

Right now it's not just Keiron I have no control over. Since Ruari came back I've been going on a mad tailspin. I keep trying not to lose control, to have command over myself, but I keep failing time and time again.

I decided to lock myself in the council room. I sat in the empty room doing absolutely nothing. I didn't even try to think or focus my mind on anything. I just stared, unseeing, out the tall windows and allowed myself to go numb.

Keiron's surprisingly quiet. He isn't clawing or screaming at me to find Ruari. He didn't even pester me after Lorcan came, already patched up, to inform me that Jean refused to bunk on another room and demanded to share quarters with Ruari.

I think I grunted something along the lines of allowing her to do what pleases her and taking my room if she wants. But I'm not too sure since my mind was gloriously numb and floating obliviously into nothingness. Lorcan knew better than to push me when I'm like that.

He was crying...

That was all my mind could process.

I made Ruari cry.

Five years ago, after I said those horrible words and pushed him away without care or thought, Ruari didn't cry. I remember he visibly paled from the unwarranted pain I inflicted on him. He was shocked by my words and actions but he didn't shed a single tear in front of me.

Come to think of it, I've never seen Ruari cry. He cried when he thought he was alone with Mirabelle. I didn't see him but I heard him, quite audibly. And the sound of his heart wrenching sobs haunted me for months after his disappearance. I never thought anything could be worse than hearing his painful sobs until I actually saw his tears.