Reject (mxm)

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Ciaran

I can't do it...

Damn it! I tried but I can't.

In two strides I was beside Ruari with my arms wrapped tightly around him.

"Stop. I'm sorry." I murmured desperately by his ear. "I'm sorry..."

His hands fisted on my shirt and I hugged him closer, tighter.

After everything that Jean told me, I was determined to keep Ruari with me. Everyone seems to want him but I was confident no one could take him away. I won't let them!

But that was all hot air...

After I calmed down and after thinking about the situation on another perspective, I realized I was being a fool.

What have I ever done for Ruari?

From the moment we met up to this day all my actions have been governed by my need to have him. All my decisions were based on nothing but the intense desire to monopolize him. He's my mate.  He is mine. I kept telling myself that it's warranted, that all my actions have a just cause.

But the fact remains that above everyone I'm the one who hurts him most. That I am the greatest threat to Ruari's wellbeing and existence. And after everything I've done, all the pain and trouble I caused, I thought it would be better if I let him go.

Being mated to me Ruari has to deal with people who would heedlessly use him just to get to me. For years I made him suffer by my careless words and actions. I brought him nothing but grief from the day we first met and no matter what I do, I can't seem to stop hurting him.

Ruari ran away once. He broke free. He was thriving admirably without me and instead of letting him be I chose to clip his wings. I took away his freedom, dragged him back to a place where he has nothing but foul memories. I imprisoned and chained him to my side just to make him watch the people he cares for die in senseless ways.

What have I given him aside from pain? Am I even capable of giving him anything else?

It's well and good for me to hope, to dream that I could make him happy in the future. But if things stay the way they are now, will we even get to see the future?

Perhaps it is better to let him go. To let his family take him or to ask Jean to whisk him away. To let him run far away to a place where I wouldn't be able to reach and hurt him.

Perhaps the prudent thing to do now is to back off and remove myself from his life. Maybe if I'm out of the picture he'd finally find the security and happiness he deserves.

It was a rude awakening but after realizing the things I lack and would not be able to provide for him, I resigned myself to protecting him from afar. I decided to let him go. I know it would be the death of me but I promised myself I would do it for his sake.

But Ruari ruined my new found resolve.

He sought me out here, in the middle of nowhere, far from everything and everyone who could protect him from me. He found out the truth, learned about everything I've been trying to hide from him.

He followed me all the way out here to talk, to fix everything that's wrong between us.

At first I was surprised then I was angry. I wanted to punish him for being so thoughtless. For being too selfless. He was reaching out, chasing after me when he should be running as far away as he possibly could.

I wanted to hurt him to the point that he'd despise the very thought of me. I hoped that in doing so it'd be easier for me to set him free.

But watching him cry, practically beg in tears in front me, I couldn't do it. I can't let Ruari go. I don't have the heart for it.