Over and Over

Chapter 11

(Holly's P.O.V)

It was 5AM. I kept tossing and turning. I hardly slept. I couldn't sleep. I laid on my back, staring at the bare, cream wall. My mind was full of thoughts of last night. Ashton kissed me. I just had my first proper kiss. And it was from Ashton. Ashton Irwin. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would feel anything towards Ashton. He was always just my best friend's brother and just my brothers best friend. How? The thought of his lips gave me butterflies. I wanted to scream! I still am confused about everything and how it led to that moment. Everything just happened so fast, it's almost like a blur. I couldn't stop smiling.

The thought of the sun rising faded my smile away. The questions I will have to answer once again. The bullies I have to be strong against, this time without Mum. Without James supporting me. Without Liam, telling me to slap them now and then. He made me laugh. He isn't even around for that anymore... A laugh. I'm scared of having a breakdown in school, out of all places... School. Everyone already thought of me as a freak from the scars I had on my arms. Liz and nobody knew about it. Not even Uncle Danny. Except Mum. I'm just hoping they don't find out. Depressed can be added to their list of what they thought of me if I do have that breakdown. I couldn't let that happen.

I finally got hold of my phone after searching for it under my pillow. That was effort. I unlocked it and scrolled through my twitter mentions. There were so many people filled with so much love and affection sending through pictures of their wrists saying 'Stay strong Holly because you save us.' And tweets like, ' We're here for you beautiful!' I loved all our fans. I tweet, 'I love you guys so much! You all mean so much to me and every word you say is beautiful xx Thank you my Princes and Princesses xoxox'

Myself, Emily and Charlie did Youtube videos, mostly because we get bored a lot during our band practices and love showing the world our craziness and stupidity and everyone seems to love it so why not?

I scrolled futher down and my eye caught this girl who wrote in CAPS, let's read it shall we? "WHY WEREN'T YU IN THAT CAR CRASH?' 'WE ALL KNOW YOUR FISHING FOR THE 5SOS BOYS SO BACK OFF YOU WHORE AND DIE!" I scrolled even further down finding lots of similar tweets. My heart stopped for a moment. Is this what people also thought of me? A whore? Fishing for the 5SOS boys? That I should go and die? My attention spun onto cutting again. I'm in a position where I don't want to live anymore. I wish I didn't go onto Twitter. Despite all them beautiful tweets. I don't want to go through a whole load of crap again and it's easier to sleep and stay away from everything. Tears begun pouring down my face. I locked my phone and chucked it behind me. I'm starting to believe what happened with Ashton was a mistake. It shouldn't of happened. I didn't want Ashton to be hurt because of me from his own fans and their opinions because I know how much it means them. I still don't even know if I love him. That kiss probably didn't even mean anything. Is that the truth?

"Mum, James even Liam I wish you guys were here! If you were so non of this bullshit would be happening. You would know what to do." I whisper to myself hugging Snoots. I didn't even know my daddy much, but I missed him too. Why is my life so miserable and complicated?

I got off my bed, looking at the digital clock on the night stand. '5:54AM' Almost 6AM, time goes by so fast. I pulled the blanket of my body, feeling a light cold breeze on myself. I drew back the curtains to see that it still weren't very light outside. The sky was a purple, greyish, blueish colour. It looks amazing. I made my bed, making sure there wasn't any imperfections anywhere in the room or any mess. I didn't want Liz to be angry with me or anything. I had to make a good impression after yesterday. I laid my suitcase carefully on the bed, trying not to make a sound in case managing not to wake anybody with the sound of the zip opening. I took out my uniform which was black trousers with a white polo tee shirt and a black blazer with the school logo which was shaped as a sheild along with my bracelet box settling it onto the bed carefully so I can wear that to school and I don't have to rush. I also took out my leggings and hoody along with my sports bra. I had my own bathroom which was a bonus about living here, but I miss waking up to my mum yelling me and rushing to the toilet before the boys had the chance to stink it  up ironically.