Lovers: XOXO [the guidebook]

_wattys2019

*Read until the end! Trust me I'm not salty at all.*

NOICE I didn't win the Wattys! Now I can move on with my life and write the shit that I want to write without worrying about it being offensive >:)

No seriously, the results couldn't come at a better time. Got scammed out of a lot of money, am suffering from my first ever bout of writer's block, and my depression decided to visit me this week because hey WHY NOT FUCK UP THIS BITCH MORE THAN NECESSARY AYEEEE. I've also been struggling to make good on my 2 updates/week promises and feel so uncomfortable with my writing. My characters aren't complying with me (fuck you James) and I feel so goddamn HOPELESS about completing the LBS series. Yup. Life is SO awesome for me right now :,D

I'm gonna be honest with all of you: I am STILL struggling with self doubt. "I didn't get a lot of votes this update" and "Is my writing becoming repetitive? Am I a shit writer?" come up more often than I like to admit. I STILL think about quitting WP because part of me still thinks "You've been here for over a year, you finished writing a book, and you still got these measly ass numbers. You're shit. Stop wasting your time for strangers who aren't paying your bills." <— I thought of this YESTERDAY.

I finished writing a goddamn book and thought I'd be in a better place mentally. I thought I had moved "PAST PAST" that number game mentality that I STILL find myself always bitching about like a scorned ex. I GOT IT ALREADY LETALIS POPULARITY IS OVERRATED *rolls eyes* geez get over it you whiny basic bitch.

CLEARLY I haven't changed. I find that I'm still fighting the same mental blocks that made LBS 1 a bitch to complete in LBS 2. I'm still an insecure dumb vain bitch and I'm not afraid to admit it because I don't want to be a dumb vain hoe no mo.

When the Watty results came out today and I felt...better.

I really fucking do.

One of my favourite books is on there and there's a bunch of quality stuff in these finalists that I am happy/satisfied with. (GO READ HISTORICALLY INACCURATE RIGHT NOW BITCHES!!!) The judges finally know their shit :DDD

I want to congratulate these winners not because I want to be "polite" (YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACKHANDED SALT ON THE WATTYS ACCOUNT, LAWD SO MANY "CONGRATULATORY" SORE LOSERS LMAOOOO) it's because I genuinely feel that they deserved to.

And because they lifted a VERY heavy burden off my shoulders.

Ever since I put LBS into the Watty's I've been fucking ANXIOUS about winning. I wanted to tell myself that "hey it would be nice if you won and shit" and THAT became a fucking lie real quick. I found that I desperately wanted to be recognized. I desperately wanted more people to notice my work. I desperately wanted to have a better chance at getting my rough ass shit published because it's hard enough as it is getting noticed in this time and age of limitless entertainment. Thinking about "winning" STRESSED ME THE FUCK OUT and made me stupid conscious about my writing (hence the writing block).

So I'm happy I didn't win. I'm glad people who are MUCH more deserving than me and who are definitely more confident and talented in their writing got recognized because I am not mature enough at this stage to be winning anything. I'm shit y'all that's the REAL RL :,D

What I want people to take away from this is: writing consistently ain't fucking easy. Writing a book is really fucking hard. You will regress as much as you progress. Depending on external entities to gauge your competence will only cause you more harm than good (a mistake I made often which is why I withdrew LBS from another contest I applied for). You're still growing and you will continue to grow until you can't.

I'm not afraid to say I'm a little vain (everyone is). I still like seeing votes and comments on my work and I get discouraged when I don't get the results I wanted (which is perfectly legit for me to feel because I spend up to 3-5 HOURS A DAY writing, editing, and planning this shit for basically nothing in return). I'm only human and if I didn't feel those things then I'm either a cold-blooded reptilian overlord or a saint. And I'm neither of those things.

I'm still going to be writing and posting shit here on Wattpad regardless of what I get. I only got 4 votes on my most recent update which I spent a total of 9 hours working on? Whatever. I still have readers that turn up to my updates no matter what and they're fucking hysterical. Are people gonna read your shit and not bother to write a comment or vote? Obviously. This is the fucking Internet. No one cares how hard you work your ass off as long as they get their fix. Will I ever quit writing Lovers: Boarding School? I don't think I will. To be honest, I might if life becomes too much for me, but I've got something good on my hands and I don't plan on dropping it any time in the future.

And this is why I'm happy I didn't win. It made me realize that I still got a lot of personal issues to deal with and that I still have some room to grow. I need to stop expecting the world to be kind to me because I'm "nice" and a "hard worker" and "good". I should *actually* stop caring what people think about me (and if I'm going to lose a few "followers" through this post then sayonara, ciao, and au revior bitches it was nice not really knowing you).

I honestly don't know when the next update to LBS 2 will be out because my life outside of Wattpad is utter shit at the moment. I might need to take a break from here to really sort out my priorities because as of right now I'm not earning any money from doing this and I really can't spend most of my time here. Like I said before, I'm not going to quit writing so don't worry about me ghosting because my ego and my WP friends (yes my readers are my friends) won't allow me to do that. But as of right now, I think I need a short break to get out of my writing funk and really figure out who I'm
writing for.

Thank you to all who bothered to read this.

-Letalis

(October 1, 2019)