dear choi hyunsuk~ (2019)

march 11th

‹ 💌 3.11.19›

(here's our big letter for 100 days. i hope you like it. 💛)

2400 hours, 144000 minutes, 14 weeks— 100 days. To anyone else looking at this, they'd think it's a long time, and technically it's considered a long while, but how it settles in my heart, mind, and soul; it really hasn't been that long. Time flies with you, each day feeling sweeter than the last one, with an infatuation for you growing every second of the day. From our first day til my last breath, you'll forever be held closest to my heart, I knew that from the beginning—the very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew that you're special, not just as in a talented performer, the once in a lifetime kind, but as someone special to me, personally. My heart gravitated to you, and guided me to one of my important life purposes, to give you all the love and support from my being.

Originally, I didn't plan to watch YGTB, but the guiding force in my heart as I aforementioned brought me to you~ I vividly remember the details as if it was yesterday. I just finished my binge of NCT life, and I wasn't knowing what to binge next, and usually—I'm not the type to binge for things to watch: I'll draw, write, or things of that nature to keep myself preoccupied, but to sit down for episodes can be difficult on my attention spans; but alas, the energy drawing me to you was at work, and I then saw YGTB in my recommendations. I pondered for a little bit, but decided it couldn't hurt to give at least one episode a shot.

Right from the start, my interest was immediately peaked. It just felt right and I couldn't place it at the given moment, but as soon as I saw you it felt like pieces to the puzzle clicked immediately. I was in awe, the very second I saw you. The feeling is almost impossible to put to words, it's more something that's felt in my heart and my soul— a click, a piece to my life's puzzle I didn't even know it was missing til that moment. A quality that has stayed true to this day is, even when you're not the focus on the given segment of the episode, my utmost attention is given to you. Even then I couldn't get enough of you, so that night I started I binged as many episodes as I could, but seeing as it was late, I didn't have enough time to get through them all.

I watched the first two and cut myself off since it was close to bed, but for the rest of the night you were all I could think of. The rest of my mind was hazy and the only thing that was clear to me was the image of you, your voice, your visuals, your essence; everything. The next day, as soon as I was able I was back to watching, and by that point, I was already in deep for you, and I was ready to binge to my hearts content, but, unbeknownst to me, the three episodes I'd just watched were the only ones available at the moment.

I remember I sat there for awhile after the episode played out. I huffed to myself and felt the exasperation deep in my chest, but after I collected myself: I had a mission, that being, catch up on all the content of you that I missed (i.e, the diary cams, pictures, etc) and let me tell you, those diary cams made me feel a new depth of love for you already, it just made me feel soft; there's no other way to put it. It was in a good way, but nonetheless, alarming, at the rate my affections grew for you. I was early into day two of knowing you, but even at that time it felt like it'd been longer, like I've mentioned already, my soul just had a click with you. 

From then on, my affections for you steadily grew by the day. I kept you in my thoughts constantly, and I eagerly awaited every week for the new episode— because even though the episodes had the tendency to be emotionally draining (it even garnered the nickname 'YG Torture Box' by some of my friends) I still wholeheartedly looked forward to it because it was the guaranteed time I got to see you, and to this day it's still sacred to me when I know for sure I get to see you. Those days were special, I even made sure down to the little details as having my favourite energy drink to have with it, because I wanted it to be as nice as possible. Although with you, you can make the bare minimum feel like the best, you have that special ability to make everything feel better.