Rewind Reverie

Make Your Choice

The man gives me a curious look through his tortoise shell spectacles.  "But you just said that he was a great guy."

"He is, er, he was," I insist. "But when I met him, I thought he was a troublemaker, a trickster. I mean, we got along well enough, but I always kept him at arms length."

"Is there a particular reason why?"

"Ari was always trying to get a rise out of me." It seemed so stupid and trivial now that I said it aloud. "I was in serious mode back then. I felt like I had something to prove. My husband, my boyfriend at the time, dumped me. My mom insisted that I try to win him back.  I just wanted to show the world that I could do well on my own.  For once, I wanted to do something for myself."

"Glad that you understand where I'm coming from now." The man gestured toward me. "I still don't understand what you had against Mr. Mitchell, however."

"I don't get it either," I said, shaking my head. "I think in my mind, I felt like Ari was making fun of my motivations. The thing was, he was just trying to keep things light-hearted, you know? I rubbed me the wrong way, but somehow, we managed to become good friends. There was more to him than a pretty face and corny jokes.  He understood the world better than most people - definitely an an old soul. It was funny because he was 22 and I was 28 yet he seemed to have it together more than I did."

"Sounds like he left quite the impression on you, Finn" the man said, voice laced with sympathy.

"Yeah." My heart felt so heavy. "I gave him such a hard time, but Ari was always kind to me. I could rely on his for even the smallest things, and believe it or not, his silliness kept me grounded. I learned so much by being his friend." I sigh deeply. "I just wish I could have told him that before he died."

The man raised an eyebrow. "I see."

I sit up in the chair, looking the man square in his eyes. "Look, I won't sugar coat things. Between my husband's BS and my own stupidity, I was not a very good person to Ari. I took so much of my problems out on him and he just took it. And what I did to him in the end only made it worse."

"Care to explain what you mean by that?" I can't look him in the eyes. The shame is so thick in my throat, it's suffocating.

I guess it's stupid to try to hide things when you're already dead. "Just before he died," I began, "my husband, boyfriend, whatever, begged me to take him back. Proposed to me with a big rock and everything. My family, dazzled by his money, insisted that I accept. My friends told me to dump him once and move on. But Ari was on another level. He was usually a mellow guy. I'd never seen so passionate. He begged me not to do it. Begged me. Told me that I deserved better. And..."

"And..." the Man says, encouraging me to finish.

I swallow hard. I don't want to say it. I don't want to admit my guilt. But I have to. "He said he could treat me better that my husband ever could." If I close my eyes, I can still see Ari's hazel ones pleading with me. "He wanted me to give him a chance."

"I see. So, Mr. Mitchell had feelings for you?"

I nodded. "A part of me always knew that. He didn't hide it but he didn't push me either. He was very respectful of my space and waited for me to give him a sign. Maybe that's why I felt like he deserved better than me."

"You rejected him?"

"When you say it like that, you make it sound like I told him to kick rocks," I reply, wincing.

"I'm sure that's not what you intended, Finn, but it is what happened."

I chewed my lip. I knew that I had died, but I'd never felt more alive. The pain of regret and things that could be radiated in my chest. "You're right. I did reject him. And he didn't take it well. He stormed off without saying another world and I just stood and let him go. I told myself that after a few hours, he'd cool off and I could apologize."

My nostril flared as I willed myself to breathe deeply, in an out, all to keep the tears at bay. But I can't. The pain I've carried since that fateful day, the pain I had to keep to myself for the sake of my husband and my family, would not stay hidden anymore. "But I never got that chance. My friend called me the next morning. He got very drunk and messed around on the rooftop of his friend's apartment building. It all happened so fast that...there was nothing anyone could do..."

"Ah. I'm so sorry for your loss," the Man said simply, offering me a box of kleenex. "Here, please take one"

I threw him a look of disbelief. I get it. This guy probably heard cases like these all the time. Young people dying before their prime. I bet he could tell me a few zingers if I asked. Tragic stories that would break even the most staunch individual. Still, his lack of emotion irked me. I'm putting my most intimate regret at his feet. Can't he at least show some sympathy?

""It's always a pity when someone dies young," the Man continued. It's only when he takes back the box of tissue that he cracked a small smile. "That said, if you truly wish to make amends with this individual, I truly believe that you would benefit from entering the pilot program."

My eyes widened. "How do you figure that?"

"Now it's my turn to be honest with you, Finn." He cleared his throat before continuing. "We truly believe that you would benefit from being given a second chance to live your life much different, one that you choose to live. Granted, you wouldn't have any control over any one else's autonomy. You might have some influence, but otherwise, you can only control what you do."

"Is that a nice way of saying that even I can't change the past? That even if I were to do the right things, he would still die?"

"Due to the nature of the program, I can only insist that you can only control what you do. I cannot say for certain what would happen if you should agree. Furthermore, fate as a funny way of exerting its will, even when a scenario has changed. If it decides that it wants something to happen, then it will do things to ensure that it does."

Never had I felt so confused and helpless. "I see."

"That said, the possibilities are endless." My heart fluttered at the sound of the words. "If you really wish to make peace with Mr. Mitchell, then you are able to do just that. You would at the very least get to see him again. Say the things I couldn't say before. Perhaps if you found peace with that, it would help you with everything else."

The two of us fall into silence. His words weighed heavily on me as I pondered the entire situation. Who ever heard of getting a second chance to live their life? Better still, who ever heard about getting the opportunity to reverse a deep-seated regret? But at the same time, it's not so cut and dry. I could open up my heart to Ari, tell him how much I appreciate him, be a good friend to him, then watch in horror as he slips from the balcony to certain death.

When he died, it was loss I couldn't bear. It haunted me for the rest of my life. Even now, when I consider the way we left things, it breaks my heart.  Could I really deal with losing him again if it came down to that?  But what if I didn't lose him?  Could I go into the hereafter knowing that I had to chance to make it right and I took the easy way out?

As much as it would pain me to lose him again, if I could somehow make peace with him, them maybe everything else wouldn't be so bad, like the Man said.

I had a chance to finally live the life I wanted.   I could do better.  Treat my friends better.  Really appreciate and be grateful for each moment.  Live my damn life.  Finally.

Did I really want to let that chance go?

"So, what do you say, Finn?" The warmth of his smile gives me hope and determination. I've made my choice. "Would this program be of interest to you?"

I nodded. Funny how it took dying for me to finally find my nerve. "Let's do this."