Knocked out of course (Girlxgirl)

Chapter 3 - Stuck

(Trigger warning: this chapter contains a discourse about self doubt that may be triggering to some readers)

Iris' POV

In the weeks that followed my studies have kept me rather busy yet when I finally had a moment to breath I couldn't help but getting stuck inside my own head struggling to free myself from my grasp. You could never imagine what goes through it! My mind is such an unusual place that not even I can understand it.
I allowed myself to fall backwards into my bed, my breath momentarily getting knocked out of my body with a small oof sound. I massaged my temples trying to quiet my racing thoughts all competing for my attention. As much as I recognized the futility of it I still had to give it a try. Music is usually my saving grace but to make things so much better they had stopped working. A frustrated sigh escaped my lips. "Such an amazing timing." I muttered sarcastically. Unable to go back to a positive state of mind I let my feelings wash over me their intensity almost drowning me. My only life line a paper and pen so I could spill my whirlwind of emotions into the pages. Letting the waves of ink getting structured into something comprehensible.

"Why is it that I'm always the one left behind? Taken for granted, used, friendzoned ... What makes everyone else worth it but not me? Am I that bad? That exhausting? That boring? Why am I not worth the effort?
This is the truth even for my family, even they think like that ... I was never allowed freedom ... I was never treated equally even before I came out ... Why is that?
I know I'm different! I know I'm not perfect! No one is! Perfection is nothing more than an illusion society shoves in people's faces so that they will try to reach this impossible standard. Either by buying beauty products, slimming ones, work themselves half to death ... All this and more so that we end up hating ourselves for not being up to the expectation.
Why would anyone even want to be perfect? It sounds so boring! Not being able to make mistakes for fear of loosing their status. People are perfectly imperfect that's what makes them so interesting! They're human! Is that so bad?
I feel so out of place in society ... I don't see the need to try and be perfect or to fit in or even label myself! I don't mind being an outsider walking among humans. It seems fitting since it matches the way they make me feel. So I don't make an effort to be like. They're so full of hate at the smallest difference. It's heartbreaking!
I like being myself no matter how imperfect I may seem to others, no matter how many scars I wear on my skin, how many more wounds I get, they all heal sooner or later and I come out of it stronger! I'm a warrior!
I went through so much in the limited time I lived ... Most people wouldn't believe me if I tried to tell them but then again I was never much of a talker.
I am unapologetically myself and most people can't handle it, very few are willing to even take a chance to try and get to know me, and so far only a couple of people actually chose to stay around, even if they're not close to me anymore.
Why are most humans so complicated and greedy? Why is it that what they have is never enough? Why are they always looking for the next thing? Why are there so many of them that refuse to appreciate what they have?
Why are there so little of us that dare to be different? That don't care to be like anyone else ... That don't want to fit in, that aren't trying to be perfect or that have weird minds and think differently ...
Why is it so difficult to find someone that sees me for who I am and still wants to stick around? Why am so different that no one seems to think I am worth the effort? Why is it that I always have to rebuild myself on my own?
Are they right? Am I really no good? Am I really that damaged that any effort put on me is wasted?
I don't really know how to be anyone else and I don't want to ...
I'm not good with people ... Animals and kids are easier to understand and to be around. They don't judge or hate unless they're taught to. They love unconditionally, that way to love that we try to learn our whole lives. We were all kids once, so why did we lose our ability to love without conditions? Why are we so conditioned to think a certain way? Why are we so conditioned to hate yet somehow we keep searching for love? I know I am ... But it doesn't seem like I'm enough to love! Why is that?"