Knocked out of course (Girlxgirl)

Chapter 11 - Not meant for love

Iris' POV

Things slowly go back to normal my eyes slowly shifting back to their natural colour within a few weeks.
The beautiful Persian woman stands by my side through it all logging any and all changes, making meticulous notes on every little detail. Waking up next to her brings back a lot of memories and yet even she can't seem to make me feel anything. She's warm and caring but my mind keeps wondering and finding itself in the same place, the same person. "Sam!" Her face flashes through my mind her smile making my heart churn as it struggles to make sense of the pain, somehow it still yearns for her. It ignores the pain, keeps bringing me back to her like a broken record I keep cutting myself on while trying to put it back together so I can listen to my favourite song again. But nothing seems to work. It just doesn't seem the pieces fit together anymore... Maybe they never had! Yet somehow the music they played while together sparked something within my soul.
As the days go by there's nothing sparking that happiness anymore. My pets are the only ones capable of making me smile anymore and at this point I feel like a burden on the person that once was the closest to me. The person I left behind, along with myself.

The time keeps going by walking away from me, too slow to distract me from everything drowning me in a hollow space of mind too heavy to carry. But too fast to feel like I'm making any progress towards healing or walking any sort of path, everything is still moving but I don't seem able to take any steps, frozen in place a shell of my former self.

Time keeps flowing.

Every night seems to end the same and tonight isn't any different.
I lay awake in bed another day done with and yet things haven't gotten any better. There's still a hole in my life, a numbness threatening to make anything unable to exist at all.
The darkness is opressing weighing me down and pressing me further into my thoughts.
"What is wrong with me she hasn't spoken to me for months and yet she still constantly crosses my mind? She broke something deep inside me and yet I still want her back in my life. What even made her leave? What did I even do to warrant that? Am I overlooking something? Telling myself I am better than I actually am? I know I make mistakes but I can't understand what I did this time.... She meant so much to me... She still does if I'm being honest... Maybe it's just me... Maybe I'm just not meant for any of this... Maybe I'm just not it... Not enough... Too broken... Too difficult... That's probably why she left she couldn't deal with it anymore... She couldn't deal with me anymore... I'm honestly starting to think I'm not meant for love or relationships."
A heavy sigh leaves my lips and as I try to stop thinking about it all.
"Maybe I should take a vacation... Go back to my family... Hang out there for a little while..."
The dogs follow my movements with their eyes their ears perked and curious.
"What do you guys think?" They keep peering at me while wagging their tails. "Yeah? It sounds good to me too!"

I rub my temples trying to nurse the headache away. Feeling numb and extremely overwhelmed at the same time shouldn't be possible. Yet here I am feeling it all.

Giving up from sleep I get up and start to pack some bags for me and the dogs.
"I think going back to my roots may do me some good!"

After organising everything from flights to accomodations as well as a vehicle to bring me back to the farm I grew up in. I fall back into bed letting it engulf me and soothe me back into unconsciousness.

Plagued by dreams that feel like memories more real than any emotion I've felt the last few months.

Once again I wake up startled from another one of those strange dreams not only do they feel very much like my truth as if I have experienced it all a long time ago but they have been a constant since the one with the girl that called me Gaia.
"Everything is such a mess!" A wariness sips through to my voice as it echoes around the empty apartment.

H left a few days ago after I told her of my plans to go back to visit my family. She was against me going on my own but ended up giving in after a long argument since I wouldn't budge about the issue at hand the grey eyed woman decided to let me have it my way as long as I promised to keep in touch this time.

It's weird how cold it became to be completely alone, I can feel it deep in my bones. Like they're turning to ice from the inside out. Like breathing creates little crystals in my lungs. Surviving feels like being dipped into liquid nitrogen right before being sent out into the world all the while trying to keep yourself from breaking.

Nothing makes sense anymore!

I let it all out as everything flows and webs around me the river that is life crashing it's full force against me.I'm too tired to swim in it but the world is still turning moving on even while I try to pick up my pieces.
So I leave it to do it's thing as I walk away back into where it all started.