Letters to my EX (Friends)

23.

 Carlos,

Yikes!

That pretty much sums up everything about our "friendship."

We met when I started working at America's favorite fast food place. You had already been working there for a while when I started, and my first impression of you was thinking that you were really friendly and probably gay.

A few weeks went by where we would occasionally talk and I didn't really think much of it. Pretty soon, I thought you were a cool guy and really enjoyed working with you. One day, you started confiding in me and telling me some really personal things and it made me feel like you trusted me.

Soon after that, a crush hit me hard. I got nervous when I saw you scheduled for the same days I worked. I looked forward to every conversation and every piece of information you shared with me. Just the sight or thought of you gave me butterflies, which is something that only happens when I really get to know someone you have feelings for. On the inside, I was always a mess, but I tried to seem relaxed around you.

I knew because of how much older than me you were that you probably wouldn't reciprocate my feelings, but it didn't really bother me because I don't usually expect that. There were times when I really thought you might feel the same because you would personally seek me out and talk to me about deeply personal things happening in your life that I didn't think you were telling other people.

Things went on like that for a few months, and I was actually convinced you liked me after you told me my boyfriend (I don't have one) stopped by and checked my reaction before telling me you were joking, but soon after that, things started changing. You started going out of your way to call me "buddy" every time you saw me, and it seemed like you were trying to avoid talking to me. When I finally accepted that we weren't going to talk anymore and started returning your treatment, you started talking to me again and showing up to chat during all of my breaks.

It was honestly a bit annoying when you did that because once I'm done with someone, I like that to be the end of it. I never stay friends with guys I used to have feelings for, but you insisted on being around constantly, so I eventually let the feelings I had return. During this time, you filled up countless pages in my journal and countless hours in my mind. My crush was back full-force and it seemed like everything was fine, and I even allowed myself to believe I meant something to you.

One day, you asked me if you could play me a song your band wrote and I said yes even though the thought of it made me cringe internally. The song was fine, and you have a nice voice, which I told you. Then you played another song and there was a woman singing and you told me, "That's the girl I'm in love with." It shocked me a bit, but not too much because one of our co-workers had already told me about the girl from your church.

At that point, I decided not to pine over you any longer. I figured I would be friends with you and not dwell on any feelings I might have beyond that. But it seemed like every time I would take a few steps back, you would try to get in even closer and I would start liking you again, at which point you would start avoiding me. It felt like an endless cycle and I got tired of it quickly.

I eventually started to resent you, and whenever I would talk to you, I'd be a real bitch so you'd leave me alone, but it never seemed to deter you. You started showing who you really were over time. You'd say really sexist things about girls who wear makeup, or expect a girl to bring you your food. You accused me of hating men on Valentine's Day in a really rude way, which hurt my feelings more than it should have. You even started acting inappropriately with an underage co-worker who had a boyfriend. You preyed on her insecurities and made her feel like she was special to you. Over time, I couldn't remember the reasons I had ever liked you. You were acting like a sexist, egotistical frat boy most of the time, and loudly playing ukulele the rest of it. I started looking forward to days when I didn't have to see you because of how obnoxious you had become.

You still acted like we were friends throughout all of this, even though I made it obvious that I was no longer interested in associating with you. I think it really just bothered you that there was someone at work who couldn't stand you. You strive to be a people pleaser, but I could see through all the B.S. that got me at first, and you couldn't handle it.

Eventually, I found out that the "personal" things you had told me were just things you used to get people to pay attention to you. Everyone at work knew about them, and that's when I realized that you wanted everything to be about you. You wanted everyone to feel sorry for you; well, mission accomplished.

Eventually I quit that job due to reasons unrelated to you (don't flatter yourself), and when I left, I didn't bother telling you goodbye because, ew. That was months and months ago. I didn't think about you at all until recently when I was hanging out with my friend who still works with you and she told me that you'd be coming to her Halloween party this Friday, so... I guess I'll see you and your girlfriend there?

All of this is in the past and I won't dwell on it. I'll try to be civil so things aren't awkward, but I doubt you'd notice anyway.

Well, that's it. Maybe I'll have more to say to you after I've seen you, but I doubt it. That part of my life is over now, and I'm glad.

Kim