Insatiable (UNDERGOING REWRITES)

Chapter 19 : Julian Mason

He kept surprising me.

And I hated it.

Every time I expected something to go one way, Nolan turned it all around. And it only made my stomach continue to flip and flutter.

I was already apprehensive about this whole date. Not just because it was with one of my students, though Nolan promised me we wouldn't get caught. And neither because of the whole Nolan wanting to sleep with me and I might want that too. It had nothing to do with our desperate need of one another. Though all those things were great factors in the hammering of my heart.

It was mostly because of the phone call I received last week. The unknown number. Yet I knew it was the person who I once claimed knew me more than anyone else in the world. And he had found me. Now he's set to ruin my second life, the one I rebuilt from scratch.

Just thinking about that time...

"Julian?" Nolan's hand dragged across my arm, up my shoulder to cup the back of my neck. In doing so, he managed to drag me from my own thoughts. I looked over at him, hovering at my side. His hand was warm on my neck, fingers lightly scratching at the base of my skull. It diminished any lingering thoughts I had building up. I watched his gray eyes slowly furrow in concern before he smiled instead. I felt the hand on my neck wrap around my hair, pulling my head back a bit before he kissed me on the cheek, long and sweet. I wasn't able to hold off the nasty blush sprouting across my cheeks.

I stepped away from him, putting space between us. He only smirked at me as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. Or at least what he wanted me to be thinking.

The last time someone made me feel this way...it was a time I had long since forgotten and never want to revisit again. I never wanted to revisit any of what happened. Not the memories, not the feelings, not the pain.

But ever since I met Nolan, those feelings were coming back, unwanted and unbound. Ezra accused me of running away. He shouldn't blame me for wanting to keep myself safe and unhurt.

"You look so beautiful, baby."

I met his eyes through the mirror as he leaned against the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. His face was covered in shadows so I was unable to see his expression. But the tingle along my spine told me it had to be a good one.

He moved forward, hand reaching out as his fingers lightly skimmed over my shoulder, down my spine and back up over my ribs. He was marking the path of the tattoo he had imprinted into my skin earlier that morning.

"You're finally one of us now."

I smiled at him in the mirror, my whole body tingling in his presence.

Love is a lie.

He leaned forward and placed a kiss at the nape of my neck. And another on the side of my neck. The hand that was on my ribs lightly caressed my side, coming around to my stomach. It felt so familiar, his hands on me. Like this was where I belonged. In his arms, in this life, with him. I wanted it to be forever so badly.

We hadn't been together that long, but I already knew.

I knew I loved him with everything in me.

I leaned back into him as both his arms circled me, holding me to him, chest to back, my skin against his leather jacket.

When I started to turn around to tell him exactly what I was feeling, that I was so in love with him, I felt a prick in my neck. Everything started to go dark, my limbs becoming heavier and I slowly sagged against him. And then all I could see was his bright blue eyes before everything went black.

Love is pain.

And I promised myself I would never submit to that again. No matter what.

"Next!"

Nolan moved forward to the cashier whose smile couldn't be more fake. I moved with him, but staying a good foot away from him, trying to preoccupy myself with the napkin dispensers. It wasn't until a minute or two later when Nolan gently skimmed the back of his hand over my elbow, steering me towards the soda fountain. He had a ticket in his hand, the number for our order on it. Once we got our drinks, Nolan told me to find a table while he waited for the food by the counter.

While waiting for Nolan, I watched a couple through the window, sitting on a bench outside. One was leaning their head against the other when they tilted their eyes up. I watched them share a kiss. I watched them snuggle against one another. I felt everything in me slow down, like a snake slithering down a slide. And suddenly I felt cold all over. Those feelings had made their own way down to the untouchable place inside me. It felt like coming back to my safe space. Feeling nothing, the way it should be. The way it always should be.

"What are you thinking about?"

Nolan placed our tray of food on the table, sitting in the seat across from me. He passed me one of the wrapped burgers, along with a coke. He cleared the table of his own burger and drink before dumping both things of fries on the tray. I watched him rip into two packets of ketchup to squeeze them out on the tray. He glanced up at me while doing so, humming in question.

"Nothing."

"It wasn't nothing––"

"Well, it's nothing to you."

Nolan leaned back, fry hanging lightly in his grasp. He quirked a brow at me before slowly raising the fry to his lips and munching on it.

I rolled my eyes at him and leaned back in my own chair.

"Enough of this. I can't keep pretending anymore."

"Oh, so this is you pretending? Was none of this real to you? This whole night..." His voice was clipped, strategically even. As if he was already prepared for this. I could almost physically see him reeling in all his emotions for this.

"Why are you getting upset? This is just some stupid little date you wanted as an appetizer for the whole meal. Which is me. Aka, you fucking me." I cocked my head as Nolan kept munching slowly on his fries, occasionally sipping his drink. "So then lets get to it. Right here, right now. You've got an exhibitionist streak. Go ahead and fuck me on this table where everyone can see. Oh, no, don't shake you head at me, and don't tell me to shush! Do it, playboy. You know you want to. This is just a means to an end. I am just a mean to an ends. One more tally mark on your fuck list, right? That's all I am to you. A goddamn tally mark."

I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. Words were just leaving my mouth one by one. Even if I wanted to stop it, I don't think I could have. Everything was starting to bubble up inside me, pinpointing on one thing: anger. I took a deep breath, hoping that might calm me down, or do something. The only thing it did was center all my thoughts even more.

"So you know what," I started, pushing myself up from my seat, not even touching the food Nolan had bought, "You can go fuck yourself."

And with that I turned on my heels and stormed out of the building.