Love O2O (Onscreen 2 Offscreen)

Chapter 23

I've been labeled a lot of things.

Mediocre.

Insecure.

Vulnerable.

My credibility to make sound decisions in love is not exactly at an all-time high.

In this one decision I made, however, I can say that I can't be more sane.

"You okay?"

Am I okay?

I hurt the person who did nothing but care for me.

I push away the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I took away the happiness of the only person who can truly make me happy.

Tell me, how can I be okay?

"I don't deserve to be okay."

I am horrible.

"Everyone deserves to be okay. No matter what a person did, he deserves to live a better life."

Even if I can't forgive myself for what I've done?

"Why do I feel that I don't deserve to be okay?"

"Maybe you're being too hard on yourself."

"But wasn't I too hard on him?"

"You did what you had to."

"Then why do I feel as if I did wrong?"

"Because even if you didn't want to, even if you think what you did was best for him, you still hurt him so bad."

Wo zhi dao.

"This feeling won't go away, right?"

"As long as you care for him as deeply as you do, it'll never go away."

This won't go away for awhile then.

"Will he ever forgive me?"

Do I really want to know the answer?

"I honestly don't know."

I honestly don't think I want to know too.

"Maybe the best you can do is give him time."

Yes. Maybe in time, he'll eventually learn to forgive me.

I watch as the gentle drizzle turn into flowing raindrops.

Maybe my days are darker now. Maybe the rain will continue to pour on my sunless days.

But it feels a bit better knowing I have someone I can talk to.

Freely.

Openly.

"Shi shi ni, Heng ge."

They say the best way to take your mind off something is to bury yourself in work.

So work I do, day and night. I work myself hard, stopping only to eat and sleep.

I occupy myself with work so that no other thoughts can fill my mind.

But even at the busiest times, the pain somehow finds a way to creep in.