Stars ||| ADOPTED BY SHANE DAWSON BOOK 2

Doubt

Chris:

I stayed up all night. I couldn't sleep, because too many things where going on in my head. So I sat there, frozen in the same position I cried in since Taylor left, until I could hear my dads finally come home.

I wait for them, hearing them talk in hushed voices downstairs, laughing, being happy without me. Shane's heavy footsteps echo through the house, before he comes up stares to my room to check on me.

"Chrissy, you up?" He whispers. He enters me room, and hovers over me.

"Sadly,yes." I laugh. Even I could hear the sadness in it. "My thoughts kept me up."

My dad turns on the lamp beside my bed. I squint my eyes at the gesture. "Nightmares?"

My eyes start to glass up. I shake my head, Shane pulling me into a hug.

"I-I don't want to talk about it.." my voice cracks, making my father aw, and tear up. "C-can I sleep with you? I-I know I'm too old..."

"Of course."

Ryland's already in bed, fast asleep. I scoot in next to him, causing him to murmur something. Shane goes in the bathroom to change, while i get settled.

My brain automatically goes to Raven and how I just hurt her without her knowing it. It's equivalent to cheating..

I'm no better than my dad.

Maybe this is foreshadowing of how I will turn out to be like him. Maybe these are the signs?
I start to bite my skin on my fingers, as my mind goes wild- goes crazy.

"Baby, no." I feel a dip on the right side of the bed, then Shane's pulling my hands away from my mouth.

He examines my hands, the little blood that came from me anxiously biting my skin causes my father to give me a sadden look. I barrey my head into his shoulder, knowing what's next.

"Show me your wrists."

"Can you just turn the lights off and go to sleep?" Shane gives me a look, and I reluctantly pull up my sleeves.

There is nothing but the dozens of scars littering my wrists. I don't look at them, I can't or I'll start crying again. I need my dads to think im okay.

"I'm proud of you for persevering." My dad says, before turning the bedroom lights off. "Goodnight,babygirl, love you."

"Goodnight, dad. I love you too"

I cuddle into him, and finally, just finally, do I fall asleep. Only by his heartbeat. Call me attached, childish, but sometimes being close to someone is a good thing. Sometimes keeping them in your walls is even better.

-

"..You're nothing without me, Ellen. Remember that." Charles spats, as he presses me against the wall. "Do that shit again, and I'll snap your fucking arm in half."

I let out a whimper. I can't scream, the girls are not too far away to hear. Last time I did, Charles went off. It got to the point where I had to physically remove the girls from the house, for fear that they'd witness what Charles is really like.

"You think I'm the monster?Look at you," Charles face gets closer to mine. I could smell the alcohol in his breath. "You used to be so beautiful..such a good girl." He grabs my chin forcefully upwards, and gives me a sloppy kiss.

"S-stop." I say, nothing but a small voice compared to his.

He smiles, grabs my wrists and starts to twist it. My screams only encourage him to go more and more.

"You're nothing. Worthless."

Just before he could break my wrist, he knees me in the stomach, making me double over in agony. He takes one more look at me and leaves me. Going off to wherever his drunken mind tells him so.

That's it. I can't live like this anymore. No matter how hard I try to make everything seem to work, it's not gonna get better. In fact, it's only getting worse. I'm getting delusional.

My hands are shaking badly as I begin to wipe the tears from under my eyes. Except, they keep falling, so I give up. I slowly head up the stairs to the girls room.

"Get your stuff. We are leaving." Is all I say.

"B-but last time.."

"I don't give a shit about last time." I cut Nicole off, making her eyes tear up. "Don't give me that face. We are leaving. Now."

She grabs Chris's hand and both of their book bags. They follow me to the car, and then we are off, somewhere far from here.

Charles won't find us at home, and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe we can finally have a normal life that I used to have. Maybe Charles will love me again..

"M-momma?" Chris's small voice interrupts me and my thoughts.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Why doesn't daddy love us anymore?"

It takes me a moment to answer. A nine year old girl, can see the reality, and I can't. I'm the problem, like Charles says. I'm the worthless one.

Slap!

"Don't you fucking say that! Of course he loves us...he has too." Nicole's voice cracks, and from the slap, Chris starts to cry.

Maybe Nicole is right. Maybe Charles really does love us. A part of me want to believe the teen,but then there's the doubt of it all.

And the doubt that I have makes me want to shoot my brains out. For how can I have let this marriage, this family fall apart? What will happen in the future? Will my kids remember the abuse, will they think that's normal?

I'll protect my girls... till the day I die and after.