Finding You // s.m.

eight

Hello! I have been getting some rather unkind messages about updating, I want to apologize. I have been in the worst mental state and have not been able to write anything. I apologize, enjoy chapter 8 :)

"I love you."

It felt like it was the first time we saying it. Even though we said is all the time before, it felt like the first. My mouth stayed shut as my mind raced. I couldn't say it back, I could, I did before, but I got hurt last time.

"Millie?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"You just said you loved me, I'm thinking."

"About what?" He laughed.

"How to respond."

"You don't have to say it back, mamas."

The nickname.

That damn nickname is back.

"I- Okay.."

I pulled at his fingers and he sighed.

"Don't get weird now, Mills."

"I'm not! I'm just thinking."

Thinking if this is what I needed. If Shawn was what I truly needed. I felt complete with him. I was my happiest version of me, but I was worried it would get messy again. I felt happy in this moment, but something always comes to ruin the happiness.

He pressed a kiss to my neck and cuddled into me. I stared at the wall, continuing to think as he slowly began to snore behind me.

Shawn was the man of my dreams. He was the one I wanted to be with and craved all the time not long ago. But, did that mean I wanted him now? Did I still crave him the way I used to?

I wrestled out from his grip and went to the bathroom. I did my business and washed my hands. I went back to the bedroom, putting on my underwear and his shirt. I made my way down the cold steps and to the kitchen.

I grabbed some eggs and decided to make breakfast in bed for us. I found fruit in the fridge and added them to a bowl. I placed them on a tray type holder and placed the plate of eggs on with. I poured two glasses of water and grabbed two forks. I went back to the bedroom, almost spilling the water everywhere multiple times.

I set the tray on the bed and sat down, shaking Shawn's shoulder. He slowly pushed his eyes open and saw me, smiling. He noticed the tray of food and sat up.

"For me?"

"For us, fattie." I chuckled.

He glared and pulled the blanket over his waist. He grabbed a fork and we began eating. He turned on the TV and we watched some show that was playing. We finished eating and decided to take a shower. Shawn went to turn on the water in his humongous shower as I undressed. We got in and showered, no funny business.

We both got out and Shawn got dressed. I didn't have any clothes with me so he gave me one of his shirts and a pair of shorts he found from when we lived together. We went to the living room and sat on the couch.

"We should talk." He said.

"Yeah." I sighed.

I threw my legs across his lap and sat back on the arm rest.

"What does this make us, Millie. I really really am in love with you and I want us to be together again." He started.

I stared at him, not entirely prepared for that. I cleared my throat and fiddled with the end of his shirt.

"I think I need a little more time, ya know?"

He scoffed and pushed my legs off his lap. I looked up at him as he stood up and he looked furious.

"So, you tell me you want to have sex with me, then we sleep together all night, then you wake up and have sex with me, make me breakfast, shower together, and you still need time!" He paced the living room.

"Shawn, I didn't mean to-"

"No, you know what you're doing! I love you, Millie! I am so unbelievably in love with you that it hurts to breath around you because I am so consumed by you!" He ripped at his hair and continued pacing.

"Shawn, I'm just trying to-"

"Millie, it's not fair! At all! I have been the one person constant to you besides your friends and you still can't decide if we can be together? I don't see any reason we shouldn't!"

"I'm just not ready, okay!" I stood off the couch.

He grabbed a picture frame off the wall and threw it across the living room. I knew the frame well, it was one of our old photos, he still had it up. I stared at him as he continued to pace the room and pull at his hair.

"Shawn."

"Shawn, look at me."

I walked over to him and grabbed his wrists. His eyes travelled the room until they landed on mine and he visibly calmed down.

"I'm not saying never. I'm just saying I need a little more time to find myself again so we can be together. I won't sleep with anyone or go out partying. I just need to find me again before we can be us." I gently smiled.

He nodded, his eyes welling with tears. He wrapped his arms around my head and pulled me in for a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around his torso and we stood there for a while.

A few minute later we heard his phone ringing, so he went to go get it. I sat on the couch and rubbed my hands down my face. Shawn came back shortly and sat down next to me.

"Who was it?"

"Dylan, he wants me to start pushing out more songs for the new album."

"Didn't you just get off tour?" I chuckled, cuddling into his side.

"Yep, Dylan wants money, that's all." He sighed.

"He also wants me to write songs about heartbreak and finding love again to cover up the magazine article."

"What does that even mean?"

"He thinks I should break up with you and date someone else for a contract length of 6 months."