Finding You // s.m.

fifteen

After almost half an hour, Shawn was outside Will's house. I ran to his car and got in. He sped away and kept driving. I sat in the passenger seat, quietly crying. My face was in my hands and I held back my sobs. After 10 minutes, he finally spoke.

"Millie.."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake Peter and Amelia and bother them with this. I'm so sorry." I sobbed.

"Millie, stop. Do not say sorry. I'm going to kill him."

I brought my legs to my chest and cried into my knees.

"I don't know how I let it get so bad." I sobbed.

"You thought he would change, that's all. It's not your fault, none of this is." He reassured.

"It is, it all is. If I wouldn't have offered to date him and just let it be a one night stand I wouldn't be here. It's all my fault, it's all my fault."

"Millie, it's not your fault, I promise. None of this, you did nothing wrong." He said again.

I stayed quiet until we got to his house and we parked. He came over to my side and went to scoop me out of the car. My whole body jerked away from his hands and his face went thirty different emotions.

He picked my up bridal style and carried me into his house, kicking the car door closed. He took me up to the guest room and set me in the bed. He sat at the end and we sat in silence.

"It's not your fault Mills. When you're ready to tell me what happened, I'm here."

I nodded and he stood up, he shut the door and went to his room. I sat in the room, staring at my pants and I felt the shiver creep up. I got off the bed and walked to his room, opening the door with a knock.

He was laying in his bed, on his phone.

"Can I uhm.." I pointed to his bed.

"Of course, yeah." He said, opening the covers.

I sat on the bed and got under the covers, laying away from him. He eventually turned the lights off and got under the covers. It was quiet for a while.

"He kicked me." I said.

"What?" Shawn mumbled.

"He came home and told me he slept with another girl last night. He said I was fat and ugly and he slapped me and squeezed me tight and he threw me to the floor and kicked me and-" I was cut off by a sob slipping my lips.

Shawn sat up and brought me into his arms. He rubbed my arm, he was rubbing over a fresh mark so it hurt, but I didn't care.

"He did it almost every night, he would come home so fucked up that he would be angry about something and take it out on me, then the next morning he wouldn't remember." I kept going.

"Millie, you don't have to..."

"The nights he.. raped me were the worst." The word felt gross in my mouth.

"He.." Shawn started.

"He would come home and pretty much force himself into me, even when I said no. If I didn't finish he would try so hard until I did and I would and I wish I wouldn't have because he thought I liked it and I really didn't." I cried.

I felt Shawn become so rigid, but he kept rubbing my arm gently, his grip never got stronger.

"The next morning he would be fine and he wouldn't know what he did until I told him and then he would say he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again.. until it did."

"He called me fat and ugly and so many names. I don't know how he would because the next morning he would call me beautiful and told me I should eat some more to get some meat on my bones."

Shawn's breathing became labored and I could tell he was angry, but he never gripped me tight. I felt safe in Shawn's arms.

"Millie.." He said.

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I should've left when it started. I'm so stupid."

He held me for a while until we fell asleep. His arm was thrown over my waste and his head was tucked into my neck.

I woke up the next morning and when I felt someone on me, my instinct was to get up immediately. I pushed myself from under their grip and my heart was racing. I sat on the edge of the bed and realized it wasn't Will's bed. I turned and saw Shawn, who was still somehow asleep. I rested me hands on my knees and tried to calm myself down.

I was still in my sweater and jeans from last night. I checked my phone and saw I had calls and texts from Will. He said he woke up and I wasn't there and he checked my house and he was worried. I rolled my eyes and set my phone down.

I laid back down on the spot I slept the night before and Shawn started shifting. His eyes pushed open and when he saw me he smiled. The smile quickly faded when I assume he remembered what all happened.

He put his hand across my thighs and rubbed them softly with his thumb.

"Morning." He mumbled.

"Morning." I responded.

We sat in silence and Shawn hummed.

"You can talk, you know that right." He jokes, not knowing that when I was with Will he told me not to talk.

"Oh, yeah." I forced a light laugh.

"You okay today?" He asked, looking up at me.

"Will texted me, said he was worried because he couldn't find me."

"Dick, I'll go talk to him." He said, almost shooting out of the bed.

"Shawn, you don't have to." I pushed, not wanting him to get hurt.

"Mills, I would so anything for you." He said.

I felt myself genuinely smile and it was weird. As much as Shawn and I have been through, it still felt natural with him. I felt at home with him. Everything we went through, hell and earth and I still felt safe with him.

"Shawn..?"

"Yeah?" He said, shuffling around to find clothing to wear.

"Shawn." I said again.

"What?" He said, his eyes scanning the room and finally meeting mine.

"I love you, too."