Only Her

Chapter 22

(Song • Florence & The Machine - Never Let Me Go)

*what happend before*

When I opened my eyes again I saw I was laying in the waiting room on Jordans jacket. I blinked and got up. I walked back to the room and stopped on the corner, hearing what the docter was saying to Jordan.
"I have bad news." The man said.
"Just say it already." Jordan snapped but worry laced in his voice.
The doctor sighed and looked at Jordan. "His heart stopped."

*

I sat down on the floor, the only things I've been doing here is hurting my heart and now I was crying my eyes out. And I didn't even know who had died.
"Sou?"
I looked up and saw Jordan in a blurry vision. I stood up and wrapped my arms around him. He rubbed my back and pulled away till he saw my face.
"Who?" I whispered. He dried my cheeks with his thumbs. And looked down at the floor.
"Who?" I said louder.
He kept avoided my gaze. That was enough for me to know. That it was my father. My only parent I had left. I swallowed the and took a step back. And nodded. "Ok." My voice came out broken. You could feel the pain, disbelief, in my voice. It was like smashing a class bottle against the wall. And all the glass pieces freeze in the middle of the room, as a wall where you can't go thru. It will only damage you to reach the end. And on that end, there I am. Me as a toddler when my mom died that same wall was there. But now it's only thicker. Thicker than ever before.

I felt Jordan watching me in every move. He was worried, who wouldn't? There I am, a little girl who doesn't know herself anymore.
I watched him in the eye. And took another step back. I'm not going to cry right infront of him again, not because I'm ashamed. Why would I be? This is a moment to cry. To cry till you fell asleep, and cry the moment you wake up. But no. I wont cry. I wont, but I'm on point to burst.
I spinned around on my heel and ran out the hospital. I blinked faster for the coming tears to stop. I looked around and saw the car of Jordan. I shook my head, I was on point to break the glass and drive away with it. I quickly made my way to my house. It was early in the morning, well early enough to know my friends are asleep. I opened the door softly. And once again I had the urge to cry. I picked up my key from the hook next to the door. I tiptoed to the counter and wrote a note, saying I'm gone, for an unknown time. A tear fell on the paper. And I cursed to myself to be weak. I made my way outside and jumped in the car. Going to the only place I can think of, to be on my own, where I can cry without people who can go questioning me.
When I got closer and closer my vision became blurry. I rubbed my eyes every two seconds.
I got out of the car, and saw the cliff, the rocks and the distance between me and the population. Once I was closer to the edge of the cliff I fell on my knees, my legs where made of jelly and counldn't hold on the weight of my body any longer. My cheeks where red and watered. I let all the tears rolling to the middle of my chin. I screamed, I screamed because I was angry, I screamed because I was left alone, I screamed.. because I had nobody left. I was now sitting on my knees crying and screaming. My chest hurt. My throat dry. My hands shaking. I had a déjà vu. One I hoped that was burried in a tank 10 feet under to be never discovered again. I felt a weight on my shoulders, made of all my worries and thoughts. I looked down at the cliff. The water smashing against the rocks, they where free. Not feeling pain. They would smash together with the other water and become one again. My tears stopped rolling when I grabbed my phone and looked at all the pictures of me and my dad. Us being happy. To know it was only a few months ago. I was crying again. The never ending tears kept rolling. I curled up to a ball, pressing my knees against my chest. Sitting on the edge, one wrong move and I fall. But when I would fall I was gone. Not saying heaven or hell. Because here on earth it's hell. Here you need to live with your pain, with your hate, and with the people you miss. Here.. you can feel. I closed my eyes, I was knackered and about to pass out.