Oblivion • Akutagawa x Reader

•9

Chained to the infirmary bed, Akutagawa glares at you from across the room as you stand at the doorway, the night leaving only moonlight shining through the window.

Earlier that day, Atsushi had gone to pick you up after you called him with only despair showing over the phone with the few words you spoke to him. When he found you, he thought the blood was yours, but at seeing Akutagawa, his horror changed to terror and immediately, he called Yosano and Dazai. Yosano took care of Akutagawa (although you had to beg them to agree), while Atsushi and Dazai took you to your home to shower and get warm clothes that weren't soaked by rainwater and blood. Dazai had left you alone with Atsushi after a bit, and the weretiger kept his eyes on you for the rest of the day.

When it had become too much, you tried to leave while Atsushi was there to check on Akutagawa. Quickly, he stopped you, instead holding you close to help you calm down, saying that you needed to not worry so much while Akutagawa was in the hands of the best. You had broken down, hugging him while trying to hold back tears, and he had held you tighter, unable to see the expression he bore.

It all changed too fast.

Why did I have to wake up with amnesia?!

I'm making everything worse.

Now that it was night, you were able to find time to check on Akutagawa without disturbing anyone else, and so you did.

His pale skin a milky perfection, his black hair with white tips a bit messy, it didn't look so terrifying under the moon. Bandages were wrapped around one of Akutagawa's shoulders, his black coat on the opposite side of the room. His clothes had obviously been cleaned, and you wondered what the bandages were for if, you assumed, he had undergone Yosano's treatment.

"Well? Are you going to just stand there or say what you came to say?"

You snap back to the present and only look him over for longer before giving him an answer.

"Thank you."

Akutagawa turns his head away, clearly embarrassed and not expecting your gratitude.

You walk slowly towards the bedside, demanding he look at you.

"If you are going to be like this at least help me understand. Before you...got shot, you were going to tell me something no one else would. I know somewhere in you you care about what happens between us more than you're leading me to believe."

You knew he'd be gone by the time morning, you knew it wasn't in his nature to be very open, but you hoped that in the silence of the night, he could hear your genuine plea.

"I shouldn't have anything to say to you." Akutagawa says, his eyes on the starry sky seen through the windows. He coughs gently before continuing.

"I shouldn't have saved you either. You've always wanted to fix everything in front of you while asserting power. You are just like Dazai. You use your manipulative ways to your advantages to get where you want."

"I don't use any sort of manipulation."

"Then why are you so close to me?"

You hadn't noticed that you had slowly leaned into him until he had turned his head directly in front of yours, his silver eyes like pools of mercury, his breathing steady, his face rid of the usually analytical blame he carried around. Akutagawa's simple question brought no malice, but you fought for the right answer inside of you as if your life depended on it.

Why am I so close?

There was an urge you couldn't place, it was a feeling that was familiar but hazy as if could have been a dream.

"I don't...I don't know"

It feels right, to be close.

There's curiosity in Akutagawa's gaze, and the more you trace every detail of his face, the more you wondered if you really ever knew him. It was as if there was always a new side of him to discover while all he showed was aggression.

"I cared about you, [l/n]. That's why I couldn't kill you."

•••

"What is love to you?"

You turn your head to your partner, standing at your door patiently as you polished your gun before heading out for the evening.

"Why?" You snort, rolling your eyes as you put  the gun away in a small box, away from anyone's sight.

"Because you said you love me." Akutagawa's voice is quiet, low, curious.

You feel your cheeks heat up, remembering with embarrassment. You try to hide it, straightening up and looking at him with a straight face.

"It means I care about you."

Dumbass.

Akutagawa takes a moment to process your answer, although he seems unsatisfied. He simply nods, trying to hide a cough, and stays silent again.

After a few minutes, you give him a small smile as you walk past him through the doorway, but before you get far you feel his hand grip your wrist pulling you back. You stumble a bit, ending up closer to him than anticipated, but neither of you move. You expected some form of aggression, assuming maybe you had offended him and he had lost his temper as usual. Instead, you were surprised to see an attentive gaze, calmly calculating whether to act or stay put.

It was intriguing.

You feel yourself lean a little closer, Akutagawa's eyes widening as if he hadn't thought this through. Before you can do anything, he lets you go and pushes himself away, and you're left frowning, alone in the Port Mafia halls as you hear the dog's light steps sulking away.

•••

You weren't sure how long you had been sitting in the dark of the infirmary by yourself, drifting off into emotions hidden deep inside you. You weren't sure when it was that Akutagawa had escaped, or when you had fallen asleep. Curled up on the infirmary bed, you stare into the darkness of the room and repeat the last words you remember hearing.

'I cared about you, [l/n]. That's why I couldn't kill you'

You hug yourself as you let out a deep breath, an uncontrollable sadness creeping into the back of your mind.

I'm always so close...and then he's gone...