Atonement - Book Four (Man x Man)

Chapter 9

Sleep is hard to find; I play the scene repeatedly in my head as I lay on the hard bed and try to process my new reality. My vision seems to be my own, as Corina is distracted by her new plaything, yet I can still feel her influence. Every time I envision the scarred face of my attacker, I see Verando and try as I might to erase that image; I'm trapped in an endless loop.

Every time I think of the pain, the forceful entry on my body, I see Verando, the man that I love.

 Closing my eyes, I will myself to sleep so that I can drift and possibly find him once more. If I could see him, it would help. I could prove to myself he was not the monster who took everything from me in one single act of malicious intent. 

Men had had their way with my body but never had it been so cruel or so violent. I'd been maimed by dragons, and it'd never left me feeling beyond recognition. This body ceased to belong to me and I was trapped in a cage of flesh that I no longer wanted to be a part of. 

When I open my eyes, I see that I'm in a ballroom, in our winter home not far from Dezna. It was where Lord Darius sent us when he was ready for a break from his family, often times my older brothers joked of a mistress, though my mother never confirmed those suspicions. 

My father stands with a man I recognize as my uncle. Lord Darius looks younger and happier, yet his eyes bore the dark circles of depravity.

It had already begun; he was losing himself to the madness and we were all none the wiser.

I glanced down at my clothes; noting that I didn't wear white robes; I was dressed in a simple frock, for I had been denied the military outfits my brothers adorned. Corina stands beside me, giggling with my sister that the help here was so generous with the wine despite our age. A mirror catches my attention, making my throat thicken. 

I was only seventeen, a year before I would be sent to the school. My heart pounds as I watch Corina in the reflection, the deep black pools of her eyes focus on her target; she never takes her gaze off my father. 

"Nikki, I haven't seen your dearest Albert." Corina hums. 

Swallowing back the disgust, I excuse myself, pushing through the crowd to get to the door, as if somehow leaving this place might set me free of my containment. The party was etched into my memory all too well; it was the evening I realized that the boy I had been seeing had been sent away because of me. 

It was the day that our society began to truly look at me as someone strange, beyond my questionable parentage. Albert and I had been seen together frequently, good friends. It was odd that suddenly, a youthful son with no chance at land ownership would be thrown off to another country and betrothed to a girl with little political standing herself. 

I was the one who was forced to remain behind to answer questions, I was the one who was left to hurt and anguish because we had been caught. I had to look his father in the eyes at this party, and I remember it not ending well for me. 

My hand outstretches for the door, wishing to leave this nightmare. 

Why did my mind insist on bringing me here? Why did I have to relive the worst parts of my childhood? 

I can hear the murmurs surrounding me, whispering that it would appear Lord Darius's black sheep of a son was seeing it fit to cause a scene. I was the ill-mannered one, and my clothing dictated that I wasn't even fit for service in the military. 

They pitied my mother's plight for attempting to coax some sort of dignity out of me. Little did they know I was the one who suffered, who was forced to either endure and slowly decay or find a sliver of happiness that would only lead to further disappointment.