Atonement - Book Four (Man x Man)

Chapter 26

It's an odd feeling to want to be with someone so bad you can hardly stand it and yet feel physical pain by their very presence. It seems when we're close and the initial reaction wears off, I'm able to start to break down who he is and get used to him all over again.

 I pick out their differences, I remember that I do love him, and by the end for meer moments, we are almost normal. He slips away from me at some point in the day and I'm left to my own devices. I know that I can't hoard him to myself forever, I must share him with this unworthy world that commands every inch of his attention. 

The puzzle is eating away at him, commanding his expertise and I know he wants to begin his work of deciphering the intentions behind the departure of Mr.Balan. Tonic and Stefan have been sent to retrieve Haryek, who I know will have a field day in a brothel. If nothing else, it will give me more variety in my healing.

 If I'm going to get past this, I'm going to need to work at it. 

With my friends gone, my guards stalking after my distracted warlord, I find that I'm having some downtime that I haven't gotten much of lately. I take the time to get reacquainted with my book. I'm used to the purr that it usually greets me with and yet, it still seems unwilling to talk to me. I run my fingers over the cover and flip it over to try and extract its secrets but the pages are almost hard to read. 

I try and make out the words but it not working, the book pushes back against me as if it doesn't want me to read it. I can only figure it's the lingering assault looming over my head. With her influence stuck in my mind, I must feel alien to the book. Perhaps it's for the best, what if she was to regain control of me again? 

Slamming the book shut in frustration, I sit cross-legged on the bed and bury my face in my hands. It's hard not to replay today's events in my mind, I think about the look on Verando's face as I kissed him, as I provoked him. I know it's not the recommended way, that healing has to start from within but I feel as though that method is a slow crawl towards a race that I want to win much quicker than that.

My life has been one trauma after another, with this being the magnum opus of decimation to my mental health. I'll be the first to admit that recovery didn't seem possible but now that I'm finding ways to get back to myself, back to where I was, I find that I'm in a hurry to achieve it. But then, new memories pop up and I'm riddled with fresh guilt instead of pain. 

He wants to heal, too, and I'm pulling him back into our old habits. My old habits, it would seem, of using men to get what I want the way they have used me. 

I touch my lips, lightly with my fingertips. It felt good to kiss him, a talent of his I'd always been impressed with. His full lips, the taste of his tongue on mine, and the brush of his stubble. I stop myself, blocking the thoughts from my mind. I need to get a grip, I need to be useful.

 I can be useful!

 I AM useful! 

I hop out of bed and don't spare myself a glance as I decide to do some hunting of my own. I track down Acer, of all people, because he seems to be the most familiar with our sneaky friends. My warlord is not the only one who is scary. "Good evening, Acer." I greet, the blond man is sitting casually at the bar of the diner, doing the paperwork I assume. 

"Good evening, erm... Nathan?" He tilts his head and I offer a smile in return. 

"Nicolas." I correct. 

"Yeah sure. What can I do for you?" He scribbles down some notes before tucking the papers back into a folder. Hmm, they always have papers it would seem. 

I try and appear as well-meaning as I can. "Oh, you know. Just have some questions, I hope you don't mind?" I twist my hand behind my back, locking the door behind me.