Finding my Happiness

Childhood

When I was 10 years old, I fell in love with Michael Jackson. My Dad and Grandma always taught me about the greatest entertainers and how their music could change the world. Michael's music brought me and my father closer together after my mom left. She would rather have crack in her life instead of her own child. To make matters worse, out of all the days she decided to walk away, she chose my fucking birthday. I was 10. Fucking 10! My family was already small enough as is, with just the four of us, now my mom decided to leave us incomplete. What a shitty birthday present to your daughter ya know? My parents argued right in front of me that day, it was like watching your heart break in half. My grandma took me inside and gave me my birthday present, trying to get me away from all the anger and drama going on outside. At that moment of my life, I didn't realize how important this gift would be to me years later. I could hear my parents outside screaming at each other, hot tears streamed down my face, my grandma swooped me up in her big warm arms and held me close. I felt so safe when I was wrapped in her embrace. She looked at me, with her soft and loving eyes, wiped the tears from my face and said,

" Jazzy baby, I have something I want to give you." she says while gently rubbing my back but before she could finish, I blurted out,

"I just want mommy and daddy to be happy. That's all I want for my birthday." I then feel surrounded by warmth rocking me back and forth all the while hearing my mom call my dad, a dirty bastard and he shouting back, calling her a crack whore. As if feeling my growing sadness and wanting to take it away, my grandma kisses my forehead, bringing me back to her, she pulls out a big black box with 'Jazzy's Records' embroidered in pink glitter. My face has curiosity written all over it as I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.

"This is for you Jazz. Your daddy told me you be stealing his cd's, so I got you something even more special."

She opens the box and inside are vinyl Michael Jackson records, starting from the Jackson Five days , all the way through to his solo career. My face lit up with joy as I hugged my grandma.

"Oh thank you, thank you grandma!" I say excitedly. I got up from her lap and rummaged through box pulling out one of the records. I was confused at the time because I never saw a CD this big before. I looked up at her with the confusion etched on my face. She chuckled pinching my cheeks.

"Why the confused look suga?"

" Why is this cd so big?" I ask shaking and examining the record.

"Well, that's because this is called a vinyl record." She then pulled from behind her back, a miniature vinyl record player with a pretty red bow on top. "You play it on this." She says as she takes one of the records and places it on top.

"This looks old grandma. What's the point of it?" I say with a scrunched up face.

"Well, in my opinion it makes the music speak to us more and come....alive." I looked at her very intrigued. "Prove it then."

I say skeptically. She then plugged the record player in and placed Thriller on top and then the needle on that. After a few seconds, Michael's voice echoed through out the room, "Where did you come from baby, and ooh, won't you take me there right away, won't you baby....." PYT started to play and when I heard his voice, I understood exactly what my grandma was talking about, the very essence of Michael Jackson could be felt all around me.... it truly felt, alive. I got on my feet and pulled my grandma up as well,

"Come on let's dance!" I shout with excitement as I do the best dance moves I can manage. My grandma laughs at my crazy moves but I think I'm killing it.

"Oh no Jazzy baby, let me show you how we did it!" She says as we dance around the room participating in our own little soul train line...just the two of us. My happiness was short lived when my dad comes in slamming the door. We instantly stop dancing and my dad shuts off the record player.

"Marcus, don't be slamming my damn door like you crazy! You don't pay the bills up in here!" My grandma says with her hands on her hips.

"Look ma, I'm sorry but me and Jazz have to go." He says as he angrily grabs the car keys. "Come on Jazzy we're going home."

"Why, I was having a good time with grandma, the only good time because this whole time you and mom been arguing." I almost shout. My dad looks at me and sighs, seeming slightly hurt and defeated.

"Look we'll come back later ok? We just need to go now, grab your things." I look at my grandma tears starting a new and she rubs my arm.

"Go on baby get your things." trying her best to reassure me. I go over and grab my only birthday present. "Marcus what the hell is going on?" My grandma says angrily, slightly raising her voice.

"I'm done with Tonya. I'm not gonna have her around Jazz doing drugs and potentially putting our child in harms way, so I told her to get her shit together or go and as you can see, she made her choice." He says with ill disguised disgust as he puts on his hat. I look at my dad with tears in my eyes, one thing you should know, is at one point, my mom was my best friend, we did everything together and my time with her, was some of my happiest memories, I never felt so loved... then out of nowhere, she just started to act different. My clothes and toys always ended up missing and one day I caught her taking my favorite bike, it shimmered against the sun and had tassels, I loved that bike, it was a Christmas present from grandma. She told me she was going to get me a better bike and even better clothes and toys because mine were old.....I never did get a new bike nor did my clothes and toys get replaced.

"Mommy isn't coming back?" I welled. My dad kneels down and rubs my cheek, sadness hiding in his eyes,

"No Jazz...mommy is very sick, she needs help and it's a sickness you can't be around. "My tears start to come back all over again, at this point, I didn't think I had anymore left, the only thing on my mind was, RUN. I ran out of the house as my grandma and dad yelled for me to come back but I was hurt. At just 10 years old, everything in my small world, seemed to be falling apart. I ran about a block down the street when I heard a distant but familiar voice...Michael Jackson's voice, I heard it a lot growing up but today, I actually heard it and it had already made a huge impression. It stopped me, made me calm down, made me smile and made me forget about my mom not choosing me. That day he helped me find happiness.