Finding my Happiness

Nothing Lasts Forever

My alarm blasts ridiculously loud, signaling that it's time to wake up. It's 7:30 a.m. and even tho I know it's the regular time I always get up, I feel like it's too early. I open my heavy eyes still filled with sleep trying to blink it away and come face to face with Michaels Bad album poster hanging on the ceiling above me. I know it probably sounds hella childish to have it on the ceiling being 22 but it just makes me feel a sense of comfort. I can't stress enough how important Michael was in our house and what a big influence he had on me growing up, having this poster is what keeps me going sometimes, I will just sit on my bed on a bad day and talk to it as if he can hear me, maybe I'm hoping to find my dad in it. I can't even begin to tell you how often I get these horrible nightmares and I wake up, see him, and feel a sense of ease. I sit up with my curly fro in a nappy matted mess and reach over to shut off my alarm. The sun just barely peeks through the clouds, and I silently think how it looks like rain. I take a moment to really look out my huge bay window, which over looks the big oak in the front yard and I let out a long sigh, I know I have to take a shower, get dressed and eat within the 20 minutes I give myself every morning, before heading to work. I get out of bed still groggy, my feet hitting the cold hardwood floor, the coolness waking me up and I head to my bathroom. I do my usual routine, hop in the shower let the warm water wash away the last little bit of sleep I wish I could hold on too then grab my toothbrush and toothpaste, brushing my teeth and trying to wash my body, two birds with one stone. I get out, dry off quickly, put the towel around me and start on this mess on top of my head, I squeeze a glob of moisturizer on my palm and begin detangling. Now it's time for lotion, I put some on my face and arms then do a little bit of makeup consisting of mascara and lipgloss, sometimes I'll do a cat eye if I'm feeling crazy, a few squirts of my favorite perfume from Bath& Body Works to seal the deal and I'm done! I'm proud of myself for finishing everything in my 20 minutes buuuut as I go to place everything back, I knock over almost all my bottles of hair creams, lotions, and perfumes. Of COURSE!! I silently curse and try to place the fallen objects back onto the overly crowed sink. A good 10min pass and I hurry to put on my Quikie-Go shirt, grabbing my phone, I trot down stairs, head to the kitchen and grab a brown sugar Pop-Tart, my favorite, then I grab a bottle of water followed by my backpack and keys on the way out. When I step outside, I see my grandmother on the rocking chair sipping on her coffee. "Good Morning Grandma." I say smiling warmly. "Good morning Jazzy baby." She says, greeting me with her loving smile. I walk over to give her a kiss on the cheek when she notices my choice of breakfast. "Baby, I know that ain't what you're eating this morning. Let me make you something." She says starting to get up but I stop her in her tracks. "Grandma I'm fine, I promise, plus I have to be to work soon. Cass will have a fit if I'm not there on time to unlock the doors." I say cracking open the bottle of water. "Oh, alright then." She gives me another kiss and takes a sip of her black coffee. "I promise next time I'll let you feed me. I miss your shrimp and cheesy grits." My grandma lets out a small laugh as I open my pop-tart and start shoving it into my mouth. She then pulls out a $20 bill from her bra and hands it to me. "Here baby, after you get off work, bring back some chicken from Pops and this time, make sure that man takes my money. I don't deserve free food from him." My Grandmother hated when Pops let her have the food for free. He was really there for us after my dad died and he was there when grandmas husband died, before him. I never met him and only knew a few things about him, he died a few months before I was born but I know daddy was named after him. So Pops was like a grandfather I never had. Most of the time when he's there at the restaurant, he always let us have our meal free. I guess even after all these years, he still feels like he needs to take care of us. "I mean I'll try but you know if he's there, he's not gonna let me pay for it." I state with a smirk and slide the twenty into my bra. "Well don't come back with that money." She says taking a sip of coffee again. "I'll try not to." I lean down to kiss her cheek and start walking down the porch towards my car. "Oh and Jazzy baby..." she says and I turn my head, leaving my car door open. "Yeah grandma?" " I love you." and she said it in such a way, it felt like it had a deeper meaning than just her loving me, almost like it was being said for the last time, like she was trying to make it count. My gut was telling me to stay home and let Cassandra take over for me cause something didn't feel right. It felt eerily familiar and a sadness I couldn't explain, crept over me. "I love you too grandma." I smile trying to brush the feeling away. I get in my car and turn the screwdriver, effectively starting it. I give a little wave to my grandma which she returned and pull out the drive way, bumping to Tupac. I look back at her one more time and she flashes me that beautiful smile of hers and that feeling comes back. Something was whispering to me..telling me to remember this moment, remember her happy and smiling..just being herself, like this. I couldn't shake the feeling off but I knew I had to get to work. Eventually I get on the street and start driving, I was already late and I didn't need Cass having a heart attack.