Finding my Happiness

When Your Heart Breaks

Your heart is a sensitive, vulnerable, and precious organ that does so much more than pumping blood throughout your body. It's the birthing place of your emotions, wether happy, sad, excited, angry or numb. So what does happen when you can't feel anything anymore, your feelings absolutely shot?You're just completely numb to any situation or even life around you, period...and you turn into some rude, unapologetic bitch? Everyone is your enemy one second and the next, you're an emotional mess, apologizing for lashing out. NO ONE can say they feel or understand my pain when they're not actually walking in my shoes. They haven't been through what I been through, seen what I've seen. Yet, there's still motherfuckers telling me they understand, saying they've gone through it too. Oh yeah, then tell me what it feels like for you?! Do you feel like you wanna kill yourself, that you just wanna die, just go into complete darkness and never come out? Do you wanna fight the world? Do you wanna just sit in a dark closed off place and cry all day? Crying out your bodies weight in water, hoping to even feel SOMETHING...anything? No? I didn't think so. My heart is completely gone and nothing can change that and certainly not some King of Pop....

6 months Later.....

Dark rain clouds begin to fill the sky as if setting the mood for the day. I watch, dazed, as my Grandmother's light pink casket is lowered into the ground. She lasted 3 months longer than expected and everyone thinks I should be happy. It takes everything in me not to snap when they say that shit. Today is the day you'd think I'd be an emotional wreck, screaming, crying, cussing but no emotion shows on my face, not even a single tear. It's blank, empty like my heart, I have nothing left to give, the last thing I've ever truly loved, is gone, I have nothing...nothing. I cried till I couldn't cry no more, then I screamed, and when that was over, nothing was left in me. As I watch this moment, my one source of happiness left, being lowered into the ground, I can't even give a single tear for her. Standing here, I'm enveloped in sea of black, how apt, I manage to chuckle. Family members I've heard of but never met, "friends", and local acquaintances, all make an appearance for the loving memory of "Mrs. Celeste A. Laveux." The only people who are familiar to me is Pops, Ms. Mabel, Cassandra, and fucking Reggie. Fucking Reggie....He was starring at me the whole time, like it was his chance to swoop in and try to save the day but I'm not stupid. The only thing I'm focused on, is not looking at my dads grave site, it sits 10ft away from grandma and 5 from my grandfather, it's nearly impossible not to even peek in that direction. The service ends leaving people to give me "sympathetic hugs" and "condolences", I know is all bullshit tho, some are here to save face while others are here for the free food. As everyone makes way to the after service, I can't move, I just sit and stare at the grave, the emptiness wrapping it's comforting arms around me, taking me deeper down. Cass comes gives me a real hug but I continue staring past her, I know she's speaking to me but her voice is distant. "Just so you know...Reggie is not good at these kind of things so try and be nice." I nod but mentally roll my eyes at the fact that Reggie is gonna bother me yet again. I look up at Cass feeling a slight anger bubbling inside me, the only emotion I've had in weeks. I scream at her, letting out all my frustrations. I scream that Reggie shouldn't be here, that she needs to stop telling him all my business, and to get the fuck over the fact that me and Reggie will never be a thing, EVER. I might've even told her that if she wants him to be in a relationship so bad, she can date him. I finished, not caring about the stares I received, I know I could've said it more kindly but I was just so angry at that moment and either way, she needed to know how I truly felt and I didn't care how I said it, at least that's what I tell myself so I don't feel so guilty. I turn on my heel without even a glance back, at that moment I just wanted to get away from everyone, especially Reggie. I just walk, not heading in any particular direction, I just wanted space. Eventually, I head back, suddenly, I look up and see someone I haven't seen in years, standing at my daddy's grave. She was crying, placing what looked like dried up weeds onto his tomb. She was wearing dirty, old, wrinkled up clothes but I could still tell she attempted to look nice. I couldn't believe it, as I walk closer to... "Mom?" I say, not knowing the proper term. She looks up and smiles. "Jazzy! Hey baby!" She says slow and high pitched before roughly grabbing me in her embrace, I instantly smell a loud, rancid odor, that has my nose hairs burning. I let her go as quickly as possible, hoping not to seem obvious but not knowing why I care at all, if I hurt her feelings. "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you in how many years and you finally show up out of nowhere and out of all days?" My words laced with anger but I try and calm down, I'm not in the mood to argue anymore. "W-well baby, I heard about her *looks over towards grandmas grave* dying at the church, where we was sleeping at the time. Some old lady's was talking and I found out it was your grandma and so I decided to show, I know we haven't talked much and y'all hate me but I figured I'd pay my respects for her loving you and say hey to your deddy." She says patting his head stone. Her addict twitch was horrible and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't hide it. She was scratching every two seconds. I did my best not to notice because it added to my anger or was it sadness...it was true tho, my grandmother did hate her but me? I never hated her I just missed her...If anything, I only hated the fact she chose drugs over me, but never her, I want too, my goodness do I wish I did, but she's my mom and I will always love her and I will forever wish she comes back to me..."Well...I'm glad you came." I say, trying to mask the hoarseness in my voice and she smiles at me then quickly pulls me in for a hug and for a brief moment, I allow myself to bask in this feeling, hoping that it never ends and not even noticing her smell anymore. "Me too baby! I love you so much! And I loved your deddy." She says letting me go and kisses his head stone. Just as I'm about to ask her to come back home with me, I hear someone scream "Tonya!" And we both turn to see a man dressed in nothing but rags and holes, motioning for my mom to hurry up and picking at what looks like a gash...instantly knowing this "we" she was talking about..another crack head...."Baby" she looks around all nervous, "I have to go. I promise I'll call you or something soon, ok?" She kisses my cheek and blows a kiss to my dad. "I love you Marcus!" She shouts running away from us...again. I mentally kick myself for allowing to feel hopeful even if it was a small amount...I'm even more angry that I feel disappointed when I should already know how this works. I take one last, quick look at my daddy's grave but look away just as fast then I turn to walk off but I feel someone touch my shoulder. "Hey, I was looking for you every where." Reggie says as I swat his hand away, again, trying to keep my temper at bay. "Hey Reggie." I say dryly, folding my arms across my chest, I can't tell if it's with attitude or if I'm mentally protecting myself. "How are you?" He says with misplaced concern. "I don't know. I don't have any feelings right now." Reggie gives me a pathetic attempt at a sympathetic look but I don't buy it. "Look baby, if you need anything, I'll be there for you and you know that." He tries to kiss my cheek but I push him off. "No don't do that shit. You don't mean it." I say disgusted. "Baby, I'm just trying to make you feel better." He then plays with a loose curl but I swat his hand away. "I'm not your fucking baby Reggie! Go take that fake, "I give a fuck" attitude somewhere else cause I know you're full of shit!" I try to storm off but he catches my arm and grips onto it so tight, it feels like I'm losing circulation. "Who the fuck you talking to?!" He growls, I look into his eyes and see the evil swimming there."Reggie let me go!" I smack him hard in the face trying to portray strength or that I'm not afraid but knowing it's in fact, the fear that emboldened me. He instantly drops my arm but I can see that deep muscular jaw clench..I told him I'd kill him if he ever touched me again. I don't wait for his reaction, I just walk away as fast as I can, not looking back to see if he followed me. I don't know when I started running but I was suddenly aware that I couldn't breathe and that my legs burned. I fell to the ground and cried and cried, deep almost cathartic screams escaped my mouth, I sat and screamed for what felt like hours..all my pain, anger, hurt, bursting from my body. I had been holding on to it for the longest time, I wasn't even sure I had anything left in me, I was actually certain I didn't. After a while, I threw my head back and sighed long and hard, I guess I had been holding that in too. B The rain started pouring fast and hard, like it too had been holding something in and it desperately needed to let it go. I sat there in the rain oblivious to anyone or anything around me, I just wasn't ready to face going back home yet. Realizing I'm going to a place that is now dark, lonely, and depressing. The heart...my heart, the warmth, what made it HOME, is gone and it's never coming back. My tears started anew, blending in with the falling rain...