A Tale of Two Idiots

Sick

This is future me and yeah if you haven't, starting from the bottom of the book is probably a good idea :D

Awake at 2 a.m.

I feel sick.
I don't know why.
My stomach's doing just fine,
but all I wanna do is cry.

I felt like I could puke.
I was a fraud.
It was nothing but a fluke.
I wasn't perfect, I am flawed.

I talk, they hear.
But they never seem to listen.
I walk, it's been a year.
The burden on my shoulders, never seems to lighten.

They expect so much of me.
I'm just not sure I can keep up.
One day I hope I'll be free,
But by then the stress would've built-up.

I stare up at the ceiling,
Just thinking.

I thought of my family, my friends.
Their compliments, their praise.

They made me sound like I could do anything,
When here, I felt like I was nothing.

It was all make-believe,
A web of lies, designed to deceive.

I'm not as good as you think I am.
I so desperately wanted to say.
It's all a sham,
But I knew they wouldn't listen, either way.

Too focused on their reputation,
Conceited, egotistical, selfish.
Presume I would exceed all expectations.
Things they had, they never cherish.

Between sticking by me and fame,
They would much rather boost their own popularity.
Pretty sure they think it's all a game,
One they thought they could win.
To be honest I could laugh at their temerity.

I knew, before long, I would snap under all the pressure.
My funny antics led people to think I was fine, just a jester.

They didn't know the person I hid inside.
And if they found out I lied,

Well, at least I tried.

Maybe too hard.

To cope with the requirements they set,

Pulling all nighters became a regular thing.
Coffee was all I needed to bring.

I was slowly getting better, at maintaining these lies.
Soon enough I figured out, make-up could cover the bags under my eyes.

I smiled and joked,
With everyone they never knew.
Though I think if they did, they might've choked.
Yet they would never know, how my anxiety grew.

I was swimming.
Drowning.
Overwhelmed by expectations.

I was always able to swim back up, to break the surface.
Not so sure this time.
I dug my nails into the sandy wall next to me, fighting for purchase.
My hands slipped off, nails black with grime.

The sunlight above me seemed to slowly dim.
I instinctively reached for the string on the life jacket I didn't know I had brought on a whim.
My hands grasped the side of my shirt.
Nothing.

My pulse spiked.

Panic began to engulf me like the darkness below.

My lungs were screaming.
Limbs flailing.
Eyes burning.

Suddenly it was like I'd tuned everything out.
It was like this weight was lifted off my shoulders,
A burden I didn't know was there before.
I was so used to the pain I didn't know it was there before it was gone.
My body felt lighter.
Everything was silent.
I'd stopped sinking.
Or at least I think I did.

I curled myself into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest.
The water was cold. So cold.

I could barely feel my fingers.

I could barely feel anything.

In that brief period of time before I blacked out,
I thought.

My only mistake,

Was I realised too late,

I was losing it.

And I needed to do something,

I just didn't know what.

-wab