Never Again

Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

After school I walked to the orchestra room with a heavy heart.

“…don’t hesitate to call…you look like you need someone to talk to,” Tyler had said.

            He was on to me. I could feel it. But I really wanted to call him and I didn’t even know why. We had just met that day and already he had given me his number. Even though it was rushed I felt like I needed to talk to him. I wouldn’t though, he didn’t understand. I’d have to treat him like the rest of my friends- the outside Elsie and nothing else.

            I got out my harp and set up just as everyone else came in.

            “Even though you forget you’re always the first one here. How on earth does that even work?” Autumn asked.

            I shrugged and started to practice a bit. We were playing “Angels we have heard on High” and “In the Bleak Midwinter” for the concert. With the selection of instruments our conductor made it’ll sound super pretty. The nice thing about the harp is that even if you mess up it still sounds really nice.

            But I couldn’t focus. I felt sad inside and just couldn’t stop thinking about how Tyler told me to call him so I could just talk to him. It was so sweet but yet heart breaking to me. The depression of it all took my focus off.

            It messed it up enough that once we started playing all together I was behind by five measures and off tempo. I tried to catch up but I just couldn’t.

Autumn called cut and everyone turned to look at me.

“Elsie are you okay, you’re way behind,” she said.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just tired.” I replied.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Okay,” Autumn said hesitantly.

I tried to focus more on the music and seemed to do a bit better but it wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.

When practice was finally over I quickly packed up, said goodbye to everyone and then left as fast as I could. Unfortunately I couldn’t walk home so I had to hitch a ride home with Autumn. Out of everything I wanted to avoid making any conversation without my friends. Autumn and Willow were both really good at telling what was wrong when people said there wasn’t anything wrong. I didn’t want to have to lie again.

In the car we were silent for a while until Autumn finally spoke up.

“Elsie, what’s wrong?” she asked quietly.

I sighed. Here came the lies.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just not feeling well.” I replied.

“Willow told me that you did go to the nurses for ibuprofen. Maybe that has something to do with it,” she said.

“Maybe,”

Autumn had pretty dark brown hair, the color of dark chocolate. It’s an interesting hair color considering the fact that her name is Autumn. You would think that her hair would be red but that’s Willow’s hair- brown and strawberry blonde mixed together. They’re both so pretty and skinny. I have a fairly pretty face and some pretty awesome blonde hair I suppose but when it comes to skinniness I do not qualify. People tell me I’m skinny and I know they’re just trying to be nice. I have a muffin top that even sticks out when I’m standing up. I tend to suck it in while walking around. Then my thighs have extra fat just everywhere especially the middle. I HATE IT ALL. But no matter how hard I try it will not go away. I try to follow the right portion amounts but it still does not work. Every time I sit down it is evidence of how well I’m doing in life. If life was graded I would probably have an F.

When I got into my house I ran straight up to my room. I dumped my stuff on my bed and went straight into the bathroom. I then finally let the tears come. It kind of makes me feel stupid and wimpy just crying but sometimes you just have to let it all out.

My mascara ran down my face and I looked like the demon thing from American Horror Story.  Once I was done with my mascara fest I pulled out my pocket knife. I already felt numb in my arms so I just quickly swiped it across my wrist leaving a single red line of blood on my arm. As it dripped down my arm I felt all of the pains from today leaving me but part of them are still stuck inside me. I quickly wiped all the blood off with a tissue so it wouldn’t get on my sweater. Then I remembered how I already got a little bit of blood on the sleeve during school.

I cleaned up my face and then put a band aid on the cut. I then went into my closet and put on a sweatshirt and some sweat pants. I took my sweater into the laundry room and started to clean the stain. I was just about ready to put it into the washing machine along with some other clothes when my mom came in.

“How was school today?” she asked.

“It was fine,” I replied dully.

“Are you sure? You just seem really upset. Did something happen?”

She would not stop asking so many questions.

“Mom, I am fine! I guess I’m just having a mood swing or something I don’t know.”

“Well okay, dinner is at five thirty okay?”

“Okay.”

When she finally left I put everything into the washer and went back to my room. I sat on my bed and looked at my wrists. I had scars running in every which direction, lines running all across my arms. Tears welled up in my eyes again and I didn’t even care. I just sat there crying. The tears splashed on my scars and painted myself with shame. Part of me just wanted to be able to stop all of this nonsense but my monsters wouldn’t let that happen and even without them I knew it wasn’t going to end any time soon.

My thoughts flooded back to Tyler. I began to cry even harder. I closed my eyes and harsh, flashing memories came flooding back through me. I saw myself in the bathroom with bloody arms. I saw myself sitting on the floor crying and wishing for someone to comfort me, someone who wouldn’t judge. Someone who would just hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I looked at my hands again and only saw the empty spaces where a hand was supposed to go. But I only saw nothingness.

I lied down on my bed and closed my eyes again. More memories came flooding back to me. I remember lying in bed at night with my own arms wrapped around me, pretending to be someone else’s. I longed for comfort. I longed for a love that I didn’t have. Even though my family loved me I often didn’t feel it. I needed genuine love that was lost someone in the universe. I remembered the empty feeling in my heart and all the red that has now masked my soul with anguish.

I slept for about an hour until dinner.