Beyond Horizons

G is for Guts

It broke my heart to see Arya crying. It felt like I have a huge part of her anguish. She made my heart constrict. What is wrong with her? Is this my doing?

I sat beside her as she hid her face with her hands. Damn. She really is hurting. I wanted to be there for her. 

Hey. What's wrong? You can tell me, you know. I told her with sincerity. I really do not want to see her crying.

You are seriously asking me that? You did not even acknowledge my presence earlier. You did not sit with me and you flirted with that Samira girl. She said with an angry tone and with the hint of jealousy. That was the reason she cried? Isn't she a bit too straight forward? Well, she must be really used to getting what she wants. 

I did not know what to say. Damn, is this my cue to tell her that I have a sick girlfriend and I cannot really hang out with her like we are an item? Is this the time that I tell her I can only offer her friendship for now. 

I-I'm r-really sorry Arya. Oh yes. I am stuttering again. She was silent and had no intention of acknowledging my apology.

I-I did not intend to hurt you. I was just concerned about people spreading rumors about our closeness. This is still a sectarian school you know. They are homophobic. It could be grounds for expulsion. I badly need this education and I cannot just throw it away. I explained to her. Damn. Why did I not tell her about my girlfriend?  

I know that. Why did you not talk to me then if it really bothered you? What do I do? I like you and I want us to be friends. She is right. Why didn't I just talk to her? Did she just tell me she likes me? Well, she just wants to be friends and that is what we should be. But why did it hurt when she told me she wants us to be friends?

I'm sorry. Let's just be careful. We need to put boundaries on our friendship if we want to keep it and still be in this school. That's right Z you need a little space so that you will not be horny every night.

Okay. I understand. So, I am no longer allowed to share your bed? She is really straight to the point. She is very blunt as usual. 

Well, you can still come to my bed and sit but sleep. You can visit me in my room but not stay the night. Besides, it's too small for two people.  We did fit in it for 2 weeks but then that is beside the point.

So, I take it that your friends are not allowed to share your bed? She raised her eyebrows challenging me. This girl who was crying her heart out is now trying to fight with me.

No, not really, I-I mean not my bed in the dorm. I told her almost sounding nervous. Am I afraid of this girl?

Oh. Do you have a bed elsewhere? She asked as if telling me I can share my other bed with her somewhere else. 

Sadly at the moment, no. I told her honestly. 

Well, we can always share mine at home. Is she seriously telling me she wants me in her bed with her?

Hahahaha. You are funny. It can work. What am I saying? Damn. Why can't I just tell her that I can't share a bed with her period? I need our distance so that I could control my libido because sooner or later I might regret it like what happened with Jen. 

Yeah.It can work. For now, I have to limit my clingy attitude towards you. I really want to be with you Zee. Why can't I just be with you always? Is she confessing to me?

I hugged her and reassured her of our friendship. I was supposed to tell her of my girlfriend. I really do not have the guts to tell her. 

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Arya and I had to put a distance on our budding friendship. We decided to share a journal to keep and make sure that we have a way to be close without having everyone around us suspecting that we are together. We are not together but people are speculating. I do not like it. It keeps me from being guilty about my existing relationship. 

My relationship with Jen is suffering like her. She got out of the hospital and went back to school. She kept on bitching about her life in school. I am tired of her fussing. Damn. Why can't I have a peaceful life? I still can't drop the bomb with her. So, I also distanced myself. I seldom sent text messages or chat and I rarely called her. If I did call or she did I usually brush it off telling her how busy I am of juggling my school stuff and work. 

Arya still is blinded about my girlfriend. She does not know. She is very expressive on the journal we share. Every night we would take turns in writing our entries to each other and to the diary. It made our notes romantic and exciting. Arya excites me. She makes me so happy I could not contain it. I like making her blush. I can have my way with words too. Also, in our shared notebook we divulged of having crushes. People we extremely like but would like to keep it from each other. I am pretty sure she meant it was me. 

Here is a sample of our journal. I wouldn't want to show you everything. 

Zee's Entry

Dear D, 

It's Z. I had a rough day today. I hated all of my classes because they were so boring. I slept through all of them. Don't worry though I read all of the class materials beforehand and got perfect on quizzes. I miss hanging out with A. I wish I can hug her, like right now. She is beside me busy reading a book for one of her classes. How can she be so beautiful in a dim light? Ha! She must be some goddess, eh? Can you please tell her how she inspires me to be a good student like her. She has scolded me for sleeping in class today but she did not have all the energy to wake me the whole class hour. Hahahaha. She was scowling at me when I woke up right after the bell rang. She is really cute when she's angry. Can you please tell her how special she is to me?

Xoxo, 

Z

To A,

Hey there gorgeous! Why are you so serious? I miss you even if you are just sitting prettily a meter away from me. Is that even possible? Maybe I miss cuddling with you and hugging you for hours. You make my days brighter. Please do not lose your smile. 

Love, 

Zee

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Our conversations are mostly done through our shared journal/diary. Whenever she is upset I always check on our journal. I make sure that she smiles a megawatt whenever she reads my entries. 

I have to tell her soon though. She wrote her entry and tried to pry on my phone while I was texting Jen. She must have glimpsed something that made her scowl. She asked me if she could borrow my phone because I have an application she will use for her assignment. I obliged because I will go to sleep anyway.