Beyond Horizons

I is for Idiocy

I went to the comfort room to cry my heart out. I AM SUCH AN IDIOT. How can I hurt people? I am an ass. I know that and it gripped my inmost being.

My tears clouded my vision making me want to howl my sadness and brokenness away. I bit my hand to prevent me from sobbing louder than I already am.

I want the pain to go away. I need to explain. I need to talk to Arya. How will I do it? I will write on our journal.

----
Dearest A,

I am sorry. I know an apology will not be enough. A million sorry will not suffice to blot out what I did to you. I am sorry if  I betrayed your trust. I am sorry if I was not able to tell you that I am in a relationship. But please I beg you with all of me, believe when I tell you that you are the most special person in my life right now. I know I am unfair and selfish. Please forgive me.

My heart is breaking a million pieces because I know I broke yours. I do not want to live this life without you in it. Before you even came to my life I already wanted out of my relationship but her sickness is stopping me. She has a severe heart disease. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please be my friend. Stay. Please.

Yours,
Z

P.S. Let's talk.

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I cried right after writing. I know that I do not deserve her forgiveness or her friendship.

I looked for her all over the campus. I'd say she was hard to find. I hurt Arya and it makes me want to cry out loud for my stupidity. I am so sorry but I do not know how to say it to her.

I finally found her in the library. She was on the same spot when I first saw her crying. She was covering her face as she sat on the floor with her knees propped. I know she is crying. I sat beside her and she looked my way, noticing my presence. I handed her the notebook and said nothing. I also gave her my handkerchief. I know she needed it. 

She read my entry and tears kept streaming down her face. I need her to believe me. She needs to know how special she is to me.

Arya. I know I betrayed your trust but please give me a chance. Let me make it up to you. I will break up with Jen. I need to let her go. Please stay. Give me time.

She nodded. I wiped her face and hugged her. She cried some more while I kept hugging her.

You hurt me. Why does it hurt so bad?

I have no answer to that and I stayed silent. There were no words to make her feel better. I was still hugging her. I looked at her and said...

I am a selfish person. I know that but I am asking you to give me a chance to show you that I really do love you. Give me time please.

Okay. But please hurry. I will wait. She sniffed and let go of our hug. She pushed me a little and gave me a smile.

I am a major idiot. I have two people in my life who loves me unconditionally but I seem to only hurt them. I should just suffer.

How the hell can I tell Jen that I want to break up with her?

Do I have the heart to hurt one more person? A person who has a heart disease no less. Damn. You may now officially put label on me -- IDIOTIC.