Beyond Horizons

J is for Jealousy

I am a cheater. I would like to change this reality but I do not know how.

I am such a loser. How can I change the fact that person that I am supposed to be loyal to is the one I am planning to break?  Who the hell do I think I am? Is this love story even acceptable? You have all the right to hate me. 

Arya said she will give me time to end it with Jen. We will stay friends until then. For now, I have a final exam week to focus on. 

On the other hand, I still could not bring up the break-up with Jen. She suspects things already like the comments on my Facebook, or the late replies. She is becoming anxious causing us to fight. I cannot bring up myself to end it with her. I need to make sure that our breakup will not affect her health. 

Goodness gracious. I really left my phone inside the dorm. The Arya part might be right but damn. I made my sick girlfriend mad again.

Jen already has her doubts about our relationship especially my loyalty towards her. And it's killing me that whatever she is thinking is true. I am cheating behind her back. I am being disloyal. I could be manipulative, I know that.

Everybody knows that cheating is sort of my thing. This is not the first time I cheated. But this is the first time cheating on someone who is in love me, someone who is not supposed to be hurt, and someone who I deeply care about. It's just that she is a person I am no longer in love with. But the only thing that attaches with Jen is pity. I know how lame that sounds.

It is my lack of commitment that has led me to this. I allowed myself to fall even though I know I am already taken. I am already in relationship. It is not about the distance. This is on me.

This a constant inward battle of letting someone go. So what I did is I called Jen after a long day of not communicating with her.

It rang for three seconds and she picked up.

Hi baby! How are you?

She was silent. I know that she is fuming mad at me..

What's wrong baby? (trying to sound sweet) Are you angry with me again?

And so she rambled on...

Who is Arya to you? Why is she important? Why is she everywhere you go? Why do you have pictures together? Why does she always comment on your pictures? Why do I see a conversation?

Shit. She has access to my socials. She must have seen my conversations with Arya.

I opened yout messenger and saw your messages with.

I thought the messages there were all innocent that is why I never deleted them. Also, I thought those were harmless, not really giving a hint of something going on or so I thought.

You should not message a friend thst way.

She is clearly upset and bothered by it.

I love you baby. I love you so much. She is just a friend. Please trust me.

I should be given an award. The shittiest liar there is.

You are the only one I love. I cannot live without.

Damn. All those lies easily rolled out of my tongue and it left a bitter taste and twisted my stomach.

I cannot wait to see you. I promise I'll come see you this October after the sem ends.

I plan to go to her but that is another lie. That is when I'll finally end things with her. Three weeks, no four weeks from now, I will break a precious her. A heart already physically beaten up. I am too much of  a devil. Bullshit. I am full of shit.

Okay.

Came the unsure deflated reply. I think she just saw through me.

I'll do better baby. I promise it is just you. I will not do anything stupid. I will not message Arya if it bothers you. Sorry for making you feel angry. I will make it up to you.

Sorry too. I am just jealous that she is there and I am not.

Aww. My cute baby. You remain my one and only.

The call finished with me telling her I needed to charge my phone because it got really hot. She let me as she also needed to her school works and rest.

I was not expecting Arya to come to my dorm room. She sat on my bed with all of her beauty. Alluring. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. I stared at her drinking all of her magnificence. Beautiful is an understatement. She is gorgeous.

This woman just appears and my heart thumps like crazy as if I ran a marathon almost making me pant. Damn. I am down bad for her and she knows it. I must remind myself that I am just her friend for now. That is what we agreed on.

She picked up my phone. I tried to get it from her. No, she shouldn't. We fought over her. I tried to reach it and she made sure that I couldn't. I tickled her. She started to laugh but she would not let go of my phone. We tumbled and rolled on top of each other but I was too late to get the phone from her. She just had long ass arms. I was a shortie compared to her model like stature.

She saw the last texts I sent to Jen. Jealousy flashed through her face. I'll be damned. I made two women jealous in a single hour.

I thought you were going to end it with her?

She threw my phone at me. Thankfully I caught it.
I was silenced by her question.
After a long staring contest.

Y-yes of course I am. Just give me time. I want to end it after finals. I need to focus on my exams. Promise I will do it the night after my last exam this semester.

It was her turn to be silent.

I need to go.

I was dumbfounded. I was glued to my bed. I could not move. I could not say I love you because that would sound like a lie, knowing that she read an exchange of multiple "I love yous" with my girlfriend.

Arya is someone I am falling for but also someone I am not actually dating. Not yet. And now, she has to deal with the fact that we are not together despite the mutual feelings we have for each other.

I am sorry for putting her in this situation. No words came out of my mouth.

She slammed the door and went back to her dorm room. Man, I am so stupid. I hurt them again.

I did not know what to do. I just laid on my bed constantly sighing. I should apease Arya, my heart tells me to. I went to her room.

I didn't have to knock, since her room was intentionally open.

I hugged her from behind and sobbed. I know I drenched her shirt. She is also sniffing. This only meant she is also crying.

I'm sorry Arya. I am terrible person. I don't mean to tell her that. I only did what a girlfriend would. Please.  I need time. I will fix this. Give me time.

I know how much of a red flag I am. Damn. I do not deserve this goddess.

It is you I am falling for. Please just wait for me. I am planning on breaking up with her after our final exams this semester that's four weeks from now.

She faced me and she wiped my face with her hand. I also did the same.

She gave an understanding look and we cuddled. I ended up sleeping with her that night in peace.