Feelings Are Stupid

-Where It All Started-

As you all should know we live on this planet called Earth, and we were either created by God or evolved from single cell organisms.  I won't say which theory I believe in because I'm not ready to be canceled with only having the preface to my life posted.  (I did say theory so I think it's obvious which I believe).  Other then creation itself we all are made from a daddy and a mommy, and sometimes those mommies and daddies (ew) are not the best on the block.  From my own personal experience my mother decided to try cocaine once or twice while I was being formed in the womb.  I came out addicted to that white powder, and my little brother three years later came out addicted to metal spoon needle shit.  Im not bitter over it anymore, I used to hate my Original parents for choosing the drug lifestyle instead of me and my brothers.  (older half brother) but with age does come knowledge.  Yeah it still annoys me that they chose it over me, but addiction is a disease.  It is a disease you choose, but still a disease none the less.  They didn't get the treatment they deserved, my family choose to ignore my parents addictions and believe nothing was wrong and they never had the support system or interventions to get the help needed.  I'm not the type of person to just tell anyone my origin story, but when I do tell it they're always surprised how normal I am.  I just blow it off that I was young, got adopted, and just slightly emotionally detached. (okay fine... more than slightly) Which is true I was only 6 when my mom died, I have few memories of my mom and the memories I have I think are twisted from a child's point of view.  The last memory before my mother left for a work trip that she would never get back from was folding socks.  I was helping her match socks and we just talked. That night she tucked me in and I think we said we loved each other but that is fuzzy.  I woke up the next day to my dad asking if I wanted breakfast and I just rolled back into a slumber.  The next time I would awake would be because of a feeling.  I woke up and had this bone chilling feeling.  At the time I had no idea what it was, until I walked out of my parents bedroom (Where I was sleeping) and saw my dad hunched on the ground sobbing.  That is when the bone chilling feeling became so real. That feeling I can't even describe, but to those who have lost a parent or someone close to them knows the feelings that were coursing through my body.  I ran to my neighbors house crying and watched sponge bob to calm me down some.  The next memory I have which definitely got buffed from a child's imagination was me running into my fathers arm from the neighbors house.  It was a perfect movie moment I swear to God. lmao.  

Now if you fast forward to the night I was babysitting my four year old brother waiting for my dad to get home from work is probably one of the worst days of my life.  I was sitting in my liven room with my brother sleeping on the floor.  I would always stay awake until my dad got home so it was a normal night besides the fact he never waited this long to come home.  Finally he stumbled through the front door and made his way to the bathroom.  I followed him chatting up a storm while also kind of worried because I never saw my father in this state before.  He closed the door on me and locked it, at this point I was very worried because he never was this bad. He didn't even acknowledge me.  At some point my little brother.... I'll name him Nevin (personal identity not found error 404--- I just don't feel comfortable giving away his personal information without him knowing.) Nevin was beside me.  As we were both at the door we heard three consecutive thumps come from within the bathroom.  This had me swallowing razor blades, that what pure fear felt like then.  I forced my little brother to pound on the door while I went and got my neighbor.  He called 9-1-1 and then followed me back to my house and kicked the door in.  I saw my father OD on the bathroom floor.  Now let me tell ya that scarred me for a good portion of my life so far lmao.  I can joke about it now because I have moved on thanks to therapy and just a little bit of detachment haha.  

xoxo Kurtis