Feelings Are Stupid

-Closet Door-

Another sad journal entry coming your way. aye. This post is about how my gay ass tried to come out of the closet and succeeded but also not? I was in the fifth grade and I was just experimenting with my new android tablet.  My dad let me have facebook and I was on facebook messenger talking with my cousin (the only person to know I was gay at that time) and she told me she was going to kill herself because she told her sisters my secret by accident.  Little ol' me didn't think about how my dad had my facebook information and was reading my messages.... he didn't see the part where I was gay, but he did read the part about my cousin wanting to die.  Next I know my dad is in my bedroom asking me why she wants to do such an act.  I got cotton mouth almost immediately and couldn't say a word.  He was getting impatient with me and it felt like three days of silence, but it was more like thirty minutes, my dad was just standing in my bedroom waiting for me to answer.  I somehow had the courage in me to just say, "Uncle Butch, I'm bi" (I obviously didn't have enough courage cause I love dick too much to even think about pussy) He was stunned and speechless for a few minutes and so was I.  He finally said, "No you're not". We hashed out a few words and I brought up my gay aunt and that wasn't the best idea in retrospect, but he mentioned all of us going to hell; meanwhile he didn't even believe in God so ??? He then proceeded to say I needed to go back to therapy, and my stingy ass said we didn't have enough money for that lmao. Always worried about money back then, and now I have two maxed out credit cards. Oh well.  Our little word fight moseyed its way over from my bedroom to our computer room.  He threw a swivel chair at me and I threw it back, and in retaliation I got checked against the wall..... hmmm this may be where my kink stems from.  Emotional daddy issues? lmao.  After getting unchocked I LITERALLY shut myself in my closet and held the door handle so my father couldn't come back lol.  Eventually my sister comes down stairs for the save and takes me to her bedroom.  She gave me all the tips about porn and what websites to use and which ones not too.  She even helped me create a new facebook account where I only had the info to, but I didn't get to use that because I got grounded off everything electronic for six months... FOR BEING GAY.  

My family still to this day chooses to ignore my sexuality even though they have caught me looking up all kinds of kinky shit on the family computer, but my friend group and peers coming out story was somewhat better.  Not as emotionally scarring.

xoxo Kurtis