Feelings Are Stupid

-My First Real Crush-

Honestly we all know about crushes, we all have them but mine were only ever puppy love until this boy named Sydney came along and fucked my life harder than any daddy issue could.  If you read "Package Deal" entry you already got a preface to this mans; he is my math boy crush.  It was eleventh grade and I was 17.... he was 15 (in tenth grade though)... ew. He caught my eye because he was a 6 foot 2 giant among all short boys I have grown to know as classmates.  He sat diagonally from me and on the third day of school he added me on snap because we had this group math project due and he was in my group.  I could have easily just worked on this project in class, it was an easy A project, it was the first week of classes.  I just wanted to have his snap so I could talk to him outside of school.  We snapped and started a streak, and that streak each time it went up a day made my heart grow more and more.  We always picked each other in class to work together on the homework and in class assignments.... oh and did I forget to mention this boy was in my gym class also.  Our friendship didn't immediately transfer over to gym, but sooner rather than later we would be lifting together.  Reminder I am a fat gay man and working out only works for me when I have a hot lifting partner to force me to be a better me lmao.  We quickly became really good friends, and I quickly took on the role of being his therapist because that is how I get close to straight men that won't even love me.  I take on their emotional baggage so they have a reason to keep me in their life.  Me being a therapist did create some emotional turmoil for myself because boys problems always relate back to girls, and girls made me sad.  One specific night that really fucked me over was homecoming.  I saw Sydney grinding and then kissing a girl he had a crush on.  My heart broke into a million pieces and I fucking cried on the dance floor like it was some 80's rom-com movie.  Fast forward a few months and my best friend Claudia also knew Sydney and we all became a trio of friends.... Sydney had a crush on Claudia which pissed me the fuck off.  My good friend at the time named Lyla suggested that I tell this boy that I like him and get some of my emotional issues solved, well all that did was cause me and him to go on a little break which broke my heart even more.  He didn't care that I liked him... he found it flattering, I guess.  He just didn't want me to feel the pain I did.... so to get our friendship back to where it was I lied and said I was over him and we became best friends yet again..... a few months later I had another mental breakdown and told him and this time we just stayed friends and I dealt with it lmao.  Summer break comes along and he kisses my best friend Claudia and I quit being friends with him for about seven months, and we made up yet again and now I am in college and still love him.  We end all our calls with " I love you" and that doesn't help anyone move on..... well I have this new boy I like but that is problematic... prob even worse than Sydney.  Like I said I have bad luck with men and always fall for the ones I can't have.  Next time maybe I'll tell the story on how a joke between friends created a crush I just can't get rid of anymore...

xoxo Kurtis