We Were Free

Chapter 45

Jake and I had make-up sex and got over it. That's how it always ended. I was laying with Jake in bed and he was kissing my neck softly. He was barely whispering sweet little nothings against it and I loved it so much. He was rubbing my inner thigh and I looked up at him.

"Hey." I said softly.

"Hey." He said softly back and I smiled.

"You promise me you'll never go back to drugs." I said and his smile weakened and he continued to rub my thigh.

"I don't want to let you down. I don't want to promise you anything because I'm scared I'll hurt you." He said.

"Jake, if you genuinely care about us-"

"I do care about us. I care so damn much it's unbelievable. You're my girl and I love you. You know I do-I just have an addiction that's so fucking hard to control. I've been doing good. I've been clean for three months. I'm trying to keep going. It's getting harder and harder-but smoking and drinking is kind of subsiding it. Along with having sex with you-that takes my mind off of wanting it. I just hate that I fucking depend on it and that this feeling doesn't go away. I feel like I'm going insane and all I want to do is just get high." He said and my eyes softened.

"I just want you to stay clean. We've been doing so much more and happier. We played in the snow like teenagers and laughed so hard and we've been making love and basically trying for babies-"

"I know, Blaire. We need to go back to work soon, though. It's not going to stay like this. We're going to go back to boring life and being serious and barely being able to breathe with work. Then I'm going to crack under pressure and I'm going back to where I was and I know I will. That's why I can't promise you anything. I know I'm going to break this streak and I need you to be prepared. I don't know when but I'm trying my damn best to hold out- it's just hard." He said.

"I know." I said and he kissed me.

"If you go back to it, do you promise me it won't be as bad as it was?" I asked.

"I can't promise."