We Were Free

Chapter 64

****** **********two years later***************

"Go get, Brad and auntie!" I said excitedly to my now one and a half year old baby boy. He was Jake through and through. He looked exactly like him, had his eyes, hair, nose, lips, cheeks-everything about him was Jake.

I was with Brad. Completely in love with brad and he took care of Grayson like he was his own. Grayson loved him so much, and although Jake and I wanted a girl-we got a boy. I visited his grave over and over at least once a week with gray. We'd bring flowers every single time and I'd ever go by myself just to talk to him. Brad would go and visit too and make sure he knew we were being taken care of. I knew if Jake was really watching over us, that he was happy and not mad.

Grayson never called brad, "daddy". He didn't know many words, but he did know mommy, Brad, and auntie. He called brad, Brad. That's all he knew him as and all I wanted him to know him as. As much as I loved how close brad was to him and how much gray loved him, I wanted Grayson to know his daddy. I wanted Grayson to grow up knowing his daddy loved him so much and tell him the story over and over again about how excited he was to find out we were having him.

Brad was watching Gray when I went to Jake's grave one morning. I never was able to read the letter he wrote me. I was always too scared to read it and I never thought I was ever going to, but I felt good. I felt happy and ready to just read it and get my mind clear instead of having the guilt of not reading it stuck with me. I sat down in front of his grave with the letter and as crazy as it sounded, I wanted him to hear me read it or "be there" for me when I did. I just knew it wasn't going to be easy.

"Blaire,
If you're reading this, I'm gone. I know you, I know you probably waited a while to read this letter. A lot has probably happened since then. Do you still think of me? I hope you never forget about me-but I do hope you're happy and you've moved on. You deserve happiness and to be loved unconditionally. When we had the fight, I knew I was never going to change. I know that one fight being the breaking point probably pisses you off and I don't want you putting any guilt on yourself for this. This wasn't your fault at all, it was mine. I'm selfish for this-knowing you would bring my child into this world in less than eight months-but I knew if I was there I wouldn't be the best I could for my baby. I was never getting off the drugs-I couldn't let them go. Everyone always looks at drugs addicts as those who don't care about anything or anyone but themselves. People that choose drugs over their own families are looked at as pieces of shits, but I promise you if I could have chosen which one, I would have chosen you and our baby a trillion times again and again. I never wanted to leave you. I love you and it hurts my heart writing this. Im in so much pain Blaire. I love you so much it hurts. I love our baby more than anything on this earth. God please, don't make him go to law school...let him become a police officer or something-or don't send him or her to college at all. I left all my money to you. I left everything I have to you. You deserve it and I have always trusted my life to be in your hands. I haven't taken the drugs yet, but I plan on it soon. I just wish you knew how much I loved you. I can't stop crying-I don't want to say goodbye to you at all. I want to live the rest of my life with you and raise our baby and love you forever-but I can't keep doing this to myself or you. It's best for me to not be here as much as it may hurt.
To my future daughter or son,
I love you. I loved you as soon as your mommy told me you were starting to grow in her belly. I kissed your mommy more than I ever had before. I had never been so excited to love something so small and innocent. I'm sorry I wasn't there to raise you or be there when you were born. I hope you know the pain in my heart knowing I won't be there. I love you so so so damn much baby Sanders. I hope you grow up and you succeed more than I ever had. I hope the whole world knows your name and you stay humble. Mommy will be good at making sure you do. I can't say enough how much I love you both. You were everything I ever wanted and I didn't give you enough, nor did I deserve you.You'll have this note, I hope you and your momma keep it forever. I love you, Blaire. Please forgive me.

Love,
Daddy, Jakey"

I sat on the grass for a few minutes after reading it out loud. I found myself sobbing and just letting every tear I had in me drain out. I kept saying his name and I buried my face into my hands. I forgave him. I finally started to forgive him, and the letter made me fully forgive him. It also broke my heart all over again. No matter how much I loved brad, I was never going to be over him. I was never going to let myself love someone as much as I loved him. When Grayson grew older, I was going to make sure he knew that. I was going to make sure he didn't hate his daddy for leaving him, but love him and understand more. I just couldn't believe I didn't let myself get the closure and didn't read the letter for two years, it was just too much at first. I felt so much better after although I cried at his grave for a good thirty minutes. I kept telling him I loved him even if god wouldn't let him hear me-I just needed to let it out. No one understood and I knew brad would talk to me about it, but he wouldn't understand how much emotion it made me feel. I was finally free though, I was free from the guilt of not somehow saving him or of him doing the drugs because of the fight and not wanting to talk about it.

I was free, We Were Free.