Bastard #2

18

I believe that everything happens for a reason . People change so that you can learn  to let  go , things go wrong so that you appreciate   them when they're right, you believe  so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself , and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together

I'm done with Xaveir. 

I tried my best , it was never love just lies . I'm tired of everything  ,I'm tired of him;  today I learnt  my lesson and now I understand  what people  meant when they say sometimes you have to be apart  from people you love , but that doesn't  make you love them any less,  sometimes you love them more .

What he did broke my heart and his words were like a knife piercing through my heart  . He pushed me away  when I didn't  want to be away from him . That what broke my heart .

A deep knife twisted inside me and I mentally slapped  myself for still getting jealous over the fact he picked that promiscuous  brat over me . Why was it so hard to let go of that part of my life ?  I mean , I had accepted it but letting go of the confirmation  that I wasn't good enough  for him still pained me . It wasn't  something  that I like to think about often  , if not at all , but every so often it cropped up and pulled into a vortex of insecurity and lack of self esteem

I knew that I wasn't as  busty  as her and my legs weren't never -ending like hers  ,  but I'm certain it wasn't her personality  that made him choose her . Her personality was the equivalent of sour milk so  it had to be her blessed beauty. That and her willingness to offer him the world between her legs .

And Stella is a model and what am I?  His personal  assistant .

Groaning loudly , I turned  my entire body so that I was lying  flat on my back staring  up the ceiling .

"Why are you still awake? " I muttered to myself , rubbing my eyelids .

I check the time and yes it was eleven  minutes past twelve  , let me go and take a shower.  I just  need him out of my system  now, out of my mind and mostly out of my heart . I sigh  and get out of bed . I walk towards the washroom and turn the tap on .

After two hours of letting this cold water run down my flawless body. I decided that I'm done . I'm sick of everything,  I'm sick of myself   having this sick  affection for him ! I'm sick  of myself having these stupid feelings for him !I'm sick of myself having to hide this huge secret to him!  I'm sick of everything! I'm sick of him having to choose other women not me ! I'm sick of this sick bastard!

It's  over. 

" wanna  talk  about it ?" I wrap my towel  around  my body and I saw  Taylor looking at me

" I think  talking  about it , it'll  be much better but I don't  know what to say.  I don't  want to talk about it , I feel humiliated! I hate him so  much
I just don't want to talk  about  it ."

" if  ever you  had a rough  day lately , I want you to remember it's okay if it's taking too long for everything to be better . Healing doesn't  happen in a snap , it takes time . So take your time and while you're at it,  celebrate yourself for trying and fighting to survive . You got this ."  She said and I  smiled

" thank you  Taylor  , I appreciate those kind words but I   don't know  what to say but do you trash ? Not just any trash but the type of trash you forgot  to throw out ,missed the  truck when it went around now you gotta keep it until next week , wait for the truck to drive by  again so  you have to endure it . Now it's there in your yard  . Trash being trash , all you need to do it throw it you have to call it quits because it's awful it's reeking  . It's just nonsense.  Yeah that kind of trash , you know that kind ? Do you know who that is ? It's Xaveir McCartney! I'm done  with him . He's too toxic ! I can't believe he said that !he done that to me !" I screamed. 

"He doesn't  deserve your love your kindness , he doesn't deserve you Stephanie. " she muttered

" I wanted a perfect  ending  Taylor . Now I've learned, the hard way , that some  poems don't rhyme, and some stories  don't have a clear beginning, middle  , and end . Life is not about knowing , having to change ,taking the  moment and making the best  of it without knowing what's going to happen  next" I uttered  and she nod

   Stupid me thinking I was good enough .

"You gonna  cry about it or you gonna  boss up ?" She asked

" of course I'm hurt so I'm gonna cry about it  and I'll bounce back soon meaning  I'll boss up so I'll do them both "I answered 

" that's  good " she said patting my back  "remember that you were art long  before he came to admire you, and you'll continue to be art even when he's gone. A masterpiece   is still a masterpiece when the lights are off and the room is empty"

"Taylor,  the feeling I had for him was too ineffable,  I swear if I was told  that he needed a heart to survive I would have gave him mine "

" you still love him , don't you? " she asked and I didn't  feel like answering her question , it's obvious  I will forever be in love with him

Don't  be a cunt

Sometimes , I wondered why it hurt so much  when  we hadn't actually  officially  dated. I didn't  realise that even if love wasn't mutual , it could still destroy a person . It could take them  apart,  tear them apart , piece by piece , until they were left there  thinking 'why was I stupid enough  to give him all  of me , knowing that if u fell apart, some of   those pieces would be lost forever? '

You so stupid

I gave him  my heart , knowing that I was more fragile than other women in my age , knowing that I was piecing myself  back together for what he did  six years back , knowing that he could crush me with a blink of an eye

And he did; it again. Xaveir  blinked and forced  me to wake up from the facade he set up for me . He set me up for a fall and I stripped . I buckled  so hard that my entire organs seemed to spurt out of my eyes in a torrent of tears  that very day .

" okay  what about  going out tomorrow and have girls night with your new friend Olivia  ?" She asked lighting  up the atmosphere

" no! Because last time I ended up waking up next to Xaveir  so it's a big no no Misses" I said and she groan

" party popper ! Okay how about having  a girls day,  just us girls hanging out ? And I'll invite Kearney  since you'll also invite your  friend" she suggested 

" I don't like your friend so it's a no for me " I answered

" you suck . Let's make it a besties  day me and you "   she said " okay fine  with  me "

" Dave  was looking  for you . That guy likes you a lot ." She said

" Dave  was here ? Wow "

" he was checking up on you,  it's time to move on and forget about your devil "

" I prefer the term bastard "

                           ______

I'm so sorry 💔

You need an explanation but I'm so exhausted  to explain why I didn't  update but I'm back